Welcome to Chaos !!

This Thursday in November is significant for many (in the US). For me Thanksgiving is nothing I grew up with. So I am ok if nothing happens today. I am ok if I do not celebrate somewhere with others. I don't eat turkey anyways.
I can with certainty say that I am actively grieving. I don't want to do much besides sleep and when I am awake I just lay in bed, having to do something on the growing to do list of the life that is still happening feels almost impossible. I am thinking, crying off and on and just existing. Did I brush my teeth today? It is almost midnight, not yet but I will after I write this. Do not want to add a cavity or worse to this misery.
Around 1 pm today I forced myself to go to Safeway, I had to get food. I like to eat red cabbage, green beans and mashed potatoes this day and on Christmas. When I got home I put the green beans in a pot to heat them up. Kaya got some too. Then I tried to open the red cabbage jar, that did not work. At least I got potatoes with gravy and green beans.

A walk later. I miss my Senna and I miss my beloved friend. Feeling very alone. And I have such guilt. And a persistent feeling in the chest area over the heart, like anxiety or an achy soul. Probably both.

 It is getting late, I don't want to sleep because that means that I will wake up later tomorrow sometime and feel again. I will stay up and watch stuff and read random things until I drift off to sleep.

I guess you do not know what grief is until you yourself experience it. Earlier this year in January I had to go to Sweden to move my Mom out of her apartment and into a memory care facility because she could no longer safely live on her own due to Alzheimers. It was a difficult experience on many levels. And it is still challenging. Nobody wants their parent to end up this way. I feel bad for my Mom and her situation.
On October 16 my beautiful beloved Senna passed away, she had been with me on an almost daily basis since November 2018 although she first came into my life in January 2018.
She helped me when my love Chhaya passed away. I loved Senna very much, she was amazing. And I miss her so much. 🐾 I miss both Chhaya and Senna.
And a few days ago a very dear friend of mine suddenly passed away. I am trying to just live through this......somehow.
Tomorrow the family is arriving and I am going to help them with everything and we are having a memorial on Thursday. I have never done this before and I wish things were different.
Not this way. Not this soon. 
And I know that this is just the beginning......I know that I will experience more deaths and that means more tears and more grief. There are moments when I don't want to live anymore because I do not want to be sad anymore or feel deep sadness like this in the future. I am really tired mentally and spiritually and I just don't want to deal with anything difficult anymore. 
And during all of this I have been going through pretty severe stress and trauma on and off consistently since years now. That is something I have not talked about in here, maybe hinted about it a few times. Sometimes I am amazed that I have not had a nervous breakdown (yet). There are times I am so stressed (I guess) that I can barely function, all I feel is severe anxiety.
I know we all face challenges.......living is not easy. At least not for me lately. And I know that I have it good and that many many many have it so much worse than me. And that too makes me sad. Thinking about all the suffering in the world makes me sad.
My friend Julia sent me this yesterday. She also knew my friend that passed away, or I should say passed on to a better place. Julia says she firmly believes that there is something after this life here on Earth. I want to believe that too. So I one day can reunite with every pet and human that I care about and loved.

❤

It is the evening before election day. It is in between Kamala Harris and Donald Trump. I am not voting because I can't, not a US citizen. In the 2024 election my vote is with Kamala Harris. From what I have seen and heard coming from Trump and his die hard supporters......where does one even start? I am actually in disbelief that there are people that are supporting him.
It is one thing to be a Republican, I don't have an opinion on that and I have nothing against that. But being a fervent Trump MAGA type person, that is something else.
I have no idea what is going to happen tomorrow......I just hope that this thing won't get too crazy and violent. Like can this election not be handled civilized? Is it going to be a "stolen" election again? Another coup attempt on the Capitol Building? I feel that anything can happen and if Trump wins then......it is what it is. Hopefully he won't manage to appoint himself as Potus for life like he has expressed in the past and hopefully he won't execute people that have been against him. What is this, Russia?
Then I also have to remember that the US in not a democracy, it is a Republic and there is a thing called the Electoral College here. In my opinion the Electoral College should be retired. And in this case the Electoral College feels scary.
I read through the Oregon Voter Pamphlet and I really like the Oregon Working Families Party......this is what I want to see.

I looked through both the Multnomah county (where Portland is located) and Clatsop county (location for Astoria) pamphlets.

And then there are people that feel very strongly about the way they do, like this person.
Advertising what he/she (?) believes in to all that pass by this property......Freedom of speech you know.

The sheriff's lieutanant in Ohio practiced his freedom of speech announcing that he was not going to help people that vote Democrat. Yes.....it is actually scary that there are people like this out there. He ain't the only one. 
But it is late, I had a traumatic (yes traumatic) day. I am tired, upset, anxious but I have to push through, I know there are people that have it so much worse than me. If you are eligible to vote then I hope you do (or did already).
 

Follow me up this trail here in Astoria called Cathedral Tree Trail. 

A trail through a lush and beautiful forest, it goes up to Cathedral Tree and/or the Astoria Column.

Take a right to the column. The pictures on the column tells the story of the history of this region.

Continue up to the observation deck, the view up there is great. The only option there.......stairs.

Don't forget to take a left and go see Cathedral Tree, a 300 plus year old Sitka spruce.

A person I met when I went here said that you can ask the tree a question. So go inside/under the tree, there is plenty of room and ask a question. I did not ask anything at that time but I will go back and if the timing is right then I will.
This is a great little hike.

A few days a year a private residence here is Astoria turns into a Doll Asylum. Check this out!
This is the beautiful house where you can find the fun.

The bridge you see in the background is called the Astoria-Megler Bridge and goes from Oregon to Washington, it is all of four miles long. 

Let's take a look inside......

That little girl with the long blonde hair walking in between the trolls in Princess Tuvstarr.
The two illustrations on the piano are by John Bauer (Sweden) and I grew up reading these stories.

The Astoria Doll Asylum is a must visit if you are ever here during the time it is happening.
www.dollasylum.com

October 31 today - Halloween. I love Halloween - all the decorations and all the spooky scary stuff. No haunted houses for me this year (a bit disappointed over that) and back in the day my number one thing to do for Halloween was to go to a rave in Los Angeles called Monster Massive. Those were the days, anyhow......what a bittersweet feeling. I loooooved me some Monster Massive. Read up on it on Wiki. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Monster_Massive
So.....let me tell you about what I did a couple of days ago. I took an underground ghost tour. Here in Astoria Oregon, there is an Astoria on the East Coast too, it is a neighborhood in Queens.
Years ago one of the times I went to New York City to dance I lived in Queens for about three weeks, if I remember it correctly I stayed in Greenpoint.
Back to the point......the ghost tour. You commence at a butcher shop called Gulleys. A group of us gathered at the butcher shop and the tour started at 7 pm. The owner (?) Diana began by talking about some of the rich and colorful history of Astoria. 
There are undergound tunnels under the town covering about 30 city blocks. There has been two major fires during the years here, in 1883 and 1922. And up until about the 1940s people were being shanghaided here, Astoria was not a safe place. You were basically kidnapped and taken out to sea, put on a ship and forced to work. 
The rooms underneath Gulleys are supposedly haunted and were featured on a show called Ghost Adventures (on the Travel Channel). According to what I was told, you can find the ghosts Abigail, Hatchet Harry, Adam and Sara down there.
But first a picture of Tati, not a ghost.

Everybody was given a device with lights that went from green to orange then red depending on if a spirit or ghost was present. And you also got a metal stick that would rotate towards the ghosts.

A lot of old furniture down there, you get to walk through several rooms, explore undisturbed and look for the ghosts on your own. It is amazing how much space there is under the town of Astoria.
Sit down in that chair and ask to speak to Sara.

I highly recommed the Gulley's ghost tour if you ever happen to find yourself in Astoria.