Entries by TATIANA

I went to IKEA today and to my surprise I found this picture for only $9.99. !!! It happens to be one of my favorite motifs, Princess Tuvstarr (translated to Princess Cottongrass in English) and her elk friend Skutt (translated to Leap in English). These are well known illustrations by John Bauer, a Swedish artist. This will be my second Princess Tuvstarr, I got another one, Princess Tuvstarr and the Fishpond (as a gift!) years ago. I love John Bauer's art - princesses, faeries, trolls and gnomes co existing in mysterious dark forests. My childhood.



This afternoon I received unexpected and sad news. A friend passed away. I saw him last Tuesday night and we talked the following day and now he is gone. I can see him in front of me and hear his voice when I think about him, it is surreal that I will not see him again.
I don't think I have realized it yet.
You will be so missed Brian. You were loved by many. ❤️
I have entered unfamiliar territory for me in my life. Death. I don't know about this. It is difficult. And I don't want to. But this is life. And I don't want to. How does one deal?

I am sitting here in the dark, only my computer screen is lit up. It is in the middle of the night, it is quiet, so nice that it is finally quiet. I have a great need for quiet these days. I am surrounded by so much loud noise and meaningless chatter on almost a daily basis that I NEED quiet.
I have a few entries that I have been planning on writing BUT they are on the back burner, instead I am feeling sick with uncomfortable emotions regarding the situation in the world. What is going on?
How can this be happening? Why? Of course I know that I can find the answers but still.....WHY? I am hesitant to read the news. I usually devour all kinds of information daily. I spend hours reading about everything. But now I do not want to read about the latest developments because I feel uneasy and yes a bit scared. And sad.
This is so wrong. I feel so bad for all the innocent people. The innocent animals. There are small glimmers of kindness, humanity and hope here and there but that won't erase all the lost lives and the destruction.
I am sad that the world as a whole has not made greater progress than this. What else is there to say really? Nothing.
But I still read.....I have to. I recently found this online magazine. Meduza. https://meduza.io/en for the English version.
And for watching, on YouTube, Ukraine on Fire by Global Tree Pictures. There is another film on Ukraine as well by the same production company......some say this is pro Putin propaganda though. Lots of history here like I mentioned in the blog before this one.
What to read and watch and trusting the sources and grasping for the truth is not easy.

I woke up to a cold morning and flurries of snow on the ground and the alarming news that Ukraine got invaded. Not only a cold day temperature wise but also a cold day for the world. Although I have carried a soft spot for my Volodya (Vladimir Putin) for a long time I have to say that lately he has disappointed me. With the treatment and uncalled for arrest of Alexander Navalny and others before him (some that did not make it alive) to now this.
It is easy to sit around and have opinions about matters of the world, politics and its leaders but actually understanding and having knowledge about even a fraction of what is going on is a completely different story. Yelling epithets about Biden this and Biden that is not the solution. You need to do a lot of reading, listening and research about the current state of the world and the past, understanding the struggles for power and why.
I feel very bad for the people of Ukraine. I can't even imagine how worried and upset they must feel. I do not think an invasion is necessary no matter how Putin looks at it and I have somewhat studied where he is coming from.
Just like when Dennis Rodman spent time in North Korea like the self appointed ambassador for the United States I feel like I should be the official appointed ambassador for the World right now and get sent to Moscow to spend some time with Volodya and find his soft and kind side because I know he has one.
We can play and cuddle with his dogs, enjoy some piping hot borscht, sip tea and talk for hours with classical music playing softly in the background. What the World needs is a softer female touch to disturb the toxic male dominance and make order of things. And I do not think my Volodya wants to sit down with Angela Merkel again, even though her education on these matters vastly surpasses mine but sometimes it is not about how educated you are, it is how you approach things and deal with other people.
So my Volodya, if you read this.....I can pack a suitcase and head over to you as early as today.
I feel sadness that we have not evolved further as human beings in 2022. There is no need for war and destruction. It is time for peace and understanding.

Yesterday I went to Hollywood Theatre here in Portland to watch a documentary called Thank You for Supporting the Arts about a stripper/writer/singer based out of Portland. I guess it was filmed over the course of several years, following Viva/Liv while she reflects on her different careers but especially the stripping. After all....people are fascinated with strippers. Such mysterious creatures. So many opinions and stereotypes that we are faced with. Stripping is art and strippers are artists. Of course not all stripping is art and not all strippers are artists. Those were the opening words of the documentary. And I agree 100%. Yes....stripping can be art and yes some strippers (or dancers as I usually refer them to) are artists. Absolutely. On the other end of the spectrum....some dancers (strippers) are terrible even after years of dancing and their stage "performances" are awful. It also depends on the stage and the lights.
Right now I am dancing at one club that has a GREAT stage but the pole could use one small improvement. I get to control and pick my own music. I feel super comfortable and pretty on that stage. Half of my sets I glance at myself in the large mirror behind the stage and think....WOW I should record this and sell the footage! The second club has a mediocre stage but a good pole, one of the DJs is average and it is no fun to go on stage there. You kind of just want to get it over with. So it definitely has to do with the club and the stage as well IF you at all care about your stage sets. And I do. Because I do agree and believe that stripping can be art. Depending on the performer. I am glad I ventured outside on a Sunday evening, I went with a fellow dancer. One has to support the arts after all. AND before the documentary started the presenter asked all the strippers in the theatre to stand up and we got a round of applauds. That was nice I think. Afterwards there was a brief Q & A with the people involved in the documentary. I found several similarities between myself and Viva.....where is MY documentary Dammit!? Helllooooooo.....I am waiting! I do think her story is more interesting and more marketable than mine though. Her Dad is a preacher in a small mid western town, she survived breast cancer and continued dancing after the removal of her breasts, she is an activist, she sings and writes and she is now a Mom. Last time I visited Hollywood Theatre (yesterday was my second time) was in February 2019 for a screening of Magic Medicine that had to do with psilocybin. Sheri and Tom Eckert, the couple largely behind Measue 109 which passed here in Oregon were the presenters. I recently found out that Sheri passed away and I was very surprised to read about that. She seemed like one of those amazing humans that grace this Earth once in a while. A true loss.

Did everybody survive Valentine's Day? Don't feel bad if it wasn't social media worthy, most of those are just smoke screens anyways.
My V Day went like this......woke up at 9 30, forced myself to get up by 9 45. AM that is.
I hate waking up because I have to, I am not an enthusiastic morning person that jumps out of bed. Washed my face, brushed my teeth, I showered the night before so no need for a shower. Got a London Fog, chatted with the barista. Got to work a little before 11, left at 5. Got a dessert I like that goes by a very fancy name - Boccone Dolce. Got home. Made dinner, pasta and leftover green beans from yesterday. Ate, relaxed, went for a walk. Later on had the Boccone Dolce with some pink champagne and raspberry sorbet.
Played backgammon. Watched some show on Netflix called Love Is Blind. Showered. I am going to solve a Wordle now, read then sleep.

I am excited over today's Wordle outcome. I got "impressive" after I solved it! Yeay! New one tomorrow.



It is mid afternoon and me and the girls are still in bed. There will be a walk in a bit, it is sunny and nice outside and later on at 9 pm I need to work. Pet Pack tomorrow, I have not participated with them since December, I took a break from that and worked on Sundays instead.