Entries by TATIANA

I had the shittiest Halloween EVER. I have been sad all day today and crying. I feel lonely and isolated, I am far away from my friends and I have nowhere to go for solace and happiness.
I don't know why I am in this fucking town of Kenai anymore, this place is so not for me.
I could write some lies here and pretend that everything is freakin' fantastic here and bla bla bla but I want to be honest. The the truth is I'm just down today and Chhaya is the only thing that I have that gives me happiness and some purpose in life, that is how I feel today.
I went to the Bush Company last night to see the Halloween show. It was a good show.
The girls were beautiful and talented. I saw my old work friends there and that was nice, we hugged and chatted. I have been toying with the thought of going there and work for a couple of weeks but I'm conflicted about it. I just don't know if it will be worth my time. I talked to the girls and they told me that it has been painfully slow during the weekdays, too many girls and basically not much money wise after all the house fees are paid. The thing is that you have to be there at 4 pm and that is way early for me, especially to leave Chhaya in some motel room all by herself until 2 30 am four nights/week. I don't know about that. So I'm torn.
I loved what I had on last night and Savannah said that I was an elegant cat, exactly! I skipped on the mask and painted on a cat nose and some whiskers as I did last year, very easy only takes five minutes. Sorry no pics, I didn't take any. I only took these when I got back to the room and by that time I was already upset.
It is so strange, wrong and hurtful that the people that are supposed to be the ones closest to you are usually the ones causing you the most pain. I have dealt with so many insults and bad treatment from various people in my life lately. Does anyone have any sensitivity and caring in them anymore? I would never in my life do and say the stuff to others as I have been subjected to by some. I think I am too nice and many people take kindness as a weakness and walk all over you. I miss my true friends, I don't have many true friends but the ones I have I miss with my whole soul tonight. My eyes burn from all the tears that I cried today. I don't even know why I even write this blog anymore, what is the purpose of it? I'm tired of everything and nothing feels fun and meaningful today, my joy is crushed and I know it's only temporary but it still hurts a lot. I don't want to be here anymore. At least I have Chhaya and tomorrow I am giving her all my attention and love because at least she deserves it.

Happy Hallows' Eve everybody! I'm slowly getting ready for the evening and I am in Anchorage, at least a bit more fun than what Kenai has to offer.....I hope. I'm finally going to wear these pants that I got at Diesel last December in NYC.....what am I tonight? Fabulous of course.....but that's kind of every night. Not sure about the mask yet but if you want a similar one you can find it at the Zumanity store inside the New York New York hotel in Vegas. I love Halloween and so far my fave costumes for myself have been Lara Croft and Pippi Longstocking. Oh and another time when I had on a super cool, kind of freaky looking but very pretty mask that covered my whole face....that was fun! Well....have to get back to the getting ready process now.

Halloween is my favorite holiday. I am usually in LA or Vegas this time of year but Monster Massive which used to be my absolute fave party/rave to attend in LA is no more. I only have so many amazing memories left from all the Monster Massive parties now. Vegas is also wonderful this time of year, perfect weather. But I'm in Alaska this Halloween and I can tell you this much, it's not anything even close to what I'm used to in LA or Vegas but hey.....it is what it is.
So I started off my day with a visit to the pool. Got my 45 laps in and after the pool I took Chhaya for a fun walk.





Then I found out that there is a haunted house in Soldotna, so I just had to go and check it out. I LOOOVE haunted houses, can't get enough of that stuff. This one was not too bad, I got a few good screams in, especially when I got chased by the crazy looking bloody butcher with the loud chain saw. I ran away from him while shrieking loudly.



Then I was in the mood for some ice cream, so I stopped at the store and got some. I can never deny my ice cream cravings. Now I'm in bed and writing this. Missing my friends in Vegas.....Halloween is tomorrow, I think I know what I am doing but I won't tell you about it yet. My plans for the rest of the night? Read and relax. And wash my hair.

When you work as a dancer you get paid in cash, there are very few clubs that pay the dancers in the form of a paycheck. The ones that do are clubs out in the middle of nowhere that hurt for girls. You get some sort of a base salary that at the most will cover your housing expenses and then you need to make your profits by doing as many lap dances as possible and tips on stage. Some clubs (very few) pay you an hourly salary but you still have to pay the club to work there and tip the house moms, DJ and bouncers. For example, The Great Alaskan Bush Company in Anchorage. And the rest of the clubs (which accounts for most of them) the dancers pay to work at the club and tip the staff with no hourly salary. The dancers are the ones that carry the rest of the staff in the strip club basically. No dancers = no strip club.
Most clubs do not realize this fact and take advantage of the girls as much as they possibly can. A great example is tipping the bartender. Why should the dancers tip the bartender?
The bartender makes an hourly salary and gets tips from the customers. Why should I, if I do not order a drink for myself, have to tip the bartender? Especially since I don't (most of the time) even make an hourly salary.
Lap dances usually go for a set club minimum. Some girls are so desperate that they are willing to do a lap dance for less than the club minimum or maybe for some food stamps or OxyContins. Other girls charge more than the house minimum and/or demand a tip after the dance is done. They work the guys for all that they have.
When you sit around the stage in a strip club it is expected that you tip the girl on stage. Here's a friendly advice, f you do not want to tip, do not sit at the stage. Somebody else that actually has money and is willing to spend it can take that spot your cheap ass was occupying. You should at the very least give one dollar per song, but that is cutting it short. I'd say....if the girl is up there for two songs, you should give her no less than $ 3 and up. Some people tip well on stage and it usually works out fairly well for me, I am speaking in general here because sometimes there will be a random yahoo sitting at my stage with a big grin plastered across the face and no money. Yeah buddy, go away please. The stage tips were not bad at Holiday House in Winner South Dakota but the house fee was rather steep, $ 110 - $ 135 depending on the night of the week. In New York City on the other hand it is kind of rare that you get tipped on stage, the stage is not really that much in focus there in general, every club is kind of different like that.

I would not expect stage tips at work if I worked at a club that paid me a fair hourly salary. Let's say the clubs would be picky about who they hired, hired only pretty girls that danced nice on stage and were able to carry on a great conversation. You had to do a certain amount of sets on stage and also a certain amount of lap dances per shift, for free. But the club would have to pay the dancers for an eight hour shift, like a regular full time job. I would say a fair salary for something like that would be about $ 150/hour. Perhaps $ 240/hour depending on how many lap dances were included in that. To cover their expenses to the dancers the clubs would charge a rather hefty cover fee, like $ 100 -200/person, alcohol not included. But for that cover fee you would get a certain amount of dances for free, like 3-5 and if you wanted more you would have to pay more. The clubs would be high class, all the trashy riff raff would be kept out and you would be able to experience some high class adult entertainment. There would be emphasis put on ambiance, such as furnishing, decor and lights, not to mention that the dancers would all be pretty much quality. I think that is a great idea. I don't know if it would work but I think it would be nicer to go to a club like that instead of a dive where some scary looking girl with tattoos made in jail does an upside down crotch dive on you while you sit on the stage, puts her ass in your face and you just pray that she washed herself that night before coming to work. Then you go home and frenetically scrub yourself down with some antibacterial soap while promising yourself that you will never go to a strip club again.

Other occupations expect tips too. I do think that the minimum wage should go up in general. I mean, why should cashiers have a tip jar and expect tips? How about paying all your workers a livable wage instead of relying on someone else to make up your wage shortfall? It seems like everybody is walking around with their hand out nowadays. I do tip when I get my lattes, never less than $ 1. But I know that the baristas make minimum wage. At Starbucks they make a fairly decent living and get benefits I've heard. But I am not going to tip some guy that opened the door for me to a hotel or a restaurant or a bathroom attendant. First of all, I don't want you to open that door for me, I can do that myself. And in the bathroom, I do not need somebody to stuff a wad of paper towels in my face or offer me a breath mint or some lotion. I would decline that service anyways. It's more annoying if anything. I worked as a waitress in Sweden for a while in a very busy restaurant. I made an ok hourly salary and tips were not expected and if I got a tip it was like a bonus and much appreciated. In some countries tipping is not part of the culture.

It is a rainy day here in Kenai.....still no snow but it will be here soon. When I opened my eyes a bit before 9 am this morning it was still dark out. I don't have any plans today besides washing my hair, driving into town for some errands and getting some food. Besides that it's just me and Chhaya and my new book, The Circle by Dave Eggers. I'm feeling tired......it must be the rain and the long travel with barely any sleep all day yesterday.
Then I need to unpack my bags and do laundry. I almost didn't make it to Kenai last night, there were a few flights cancelled due to the weather and both coming into Anchorage and flying from Anchorage to Kenai was no fun because it was so bumpy and scary. But I'm here now.

I am back home and I can't wait to see my baby Chhaya! I have missed her SOOOOOOOO much!