Entries by TATIANA

It felt frosty out tonight, the grass around the house was stiff and had a coat of silver frost on it. The dark sky was lit up by beautiful stars and I could see the Milky Way. I wish I could show you a picture but I don't have a camera good enough for those kinds of pictures. Here is Chhaya instead with stars in her eyes.



Chhaya had another meeting with her two doggy girlfriends today. It went well and she is snoring away by my feet right now. She also got a brushing and a toenail trim. And here she is showing off her new supplements, K-10 Glucosamine & Chondroitin, to support joint health. Besides doting on Chhaya I had a rather uneventful day. Pizza for dinner. Pistachios afterwards. I'm in bed now and feeling sleepy.

I got up early today (for me) and took my car in to get new tires. When I was driving through Kenai I was surprised to see so many people out and about at 7 15 am, then I remembered, those people have regular jobs. 7 15 used to be when I stumbled out of Crazy Horse Too in Vegas after a long night at work or going from one afterhour club to another or finishing up a rave. Dancing until the sun rises is amazing. That is what you are supposed to do at 7 something in the morning in my opinion. I think that it is way too early to start work or school at that ungodly hour, I think a good time for those kinds of activities should be 9 am at the earliest. And end at 5 pm at the latest. Work should not be taking up a large chunk of your time. There needs to be time for other things that are more important. Like living your life.
While my car was in the shop I went to Kaladi for a latte, I could possibly see myself working as a barista that early in the morning though, it seems like fun and I would love making coffee drinks for people and sending them off with a smile in the morning.



Later today I am going to do some self appointed community trash picking service. I know that will make me feel like I did something good today. And since it is kind of warm here still I might as well get it done before it freezes. Maybe another blog later......

I'm feeling a bit better today.....well I started feeling better this afternoon. I met up with a girl I know, Honey and we went and had coffee at Kaladi (they have the yummiest latte I think) and we talked and talked. That made me feel so much better, Thank You Honey! Then I got Chhaya a toy and took her for another walk and now I'm home. It is only 7 30 pm but it is pitch black outside. I'm in bed already.
So The Frozen Ground made me feel uneasy, that guy murdered so many girls......if you watch the whole movie, at the end they show real pictures of some of the women that disappeared from Anchorage and other surrounding cities, some were found (dead) and others were never found. It made my heart ache for them. I can't even imagine the terror they felt. I think about people sometimes that die like that, I hope they are in a good place with no pain and sorrow. I could not recognize any of the girls that got cast for this movie as the extra parts as dancers, they mainly showed half naked and naked bodies and only a few girls were close to the camera with their faces. But I did notice in the after credits that Kaladi provided the coffee for this movie production......a fun fact (for me at least.)
There was another incident in Anchorage almost two years ago now, a barista got kidnapped from a coffee shop off a busy street. Her name was Samantha and she was only 18, she got raped and murdered and found in a lake. They caught the killer, turns out he was a serial killer also, he ended up committing suicide in jail. What I want to add here is that the killer (Israel Keyes) admitted to torturing animals as a child. Therefore I think that people that torture animals should be thoroughly examined and the punishment for that should be more severe than it is. You never know if that person (most likely a man) is a future serial killer.
Then there was a case involving a dancer at the Bush Company a while back, Mechele. I wrote a blog about that. Looking now, at the over three year old blog I can see that I expressed myself somewhat insensitive (sorry). But I know what many women say about dancers, some of it might be true but much of it is not and I heard how they were talking about Mechele on TV, that fueled me to make some of the remarks I did.
She was basically convicted beforehand already by people that were convinced she was a bad person and manipulative only because she was a dancer. That is wrong in my opinion.
www.fargosisters.com/styx/archives/381-Mechele-Linehan.html
Anyhow, Mechele got accused and convicted of the murder of a guy she met at the club.
She did some time. There was a retrial and she is now free. I had a feeling she would be set free.

Speaking of something else......One night at the Holiday House some guys asked me who my dream man is, I quickly said "A priest!" They thought that was hilarious and so did I and we had a good laugh. And then I said that it actually is Vladimir Putin. Yes, I think the Russian macho bear wrestler is very SEKSI and I like his new laws about anti-terrorism, Putin doesn't mess around! I think that the US should take notes on these anti-terrorism laws as well, before all hell breaks loose over here. I am aware of Putin's backwards views on homosexuality and he probably has some backwards views on feminism and women that voice their opinions. But that is nothing that Tatiana can't change in him, I just need to charm him a bit (he will fall in love/lust), beat him in chess five consecutive times (he will see that I'm smarter than him) and hit him in the head with a hot frying pan (Polish temper style and he will be scared). After that he will be eating out of the palm of my hand. Women out there, take note of this and do the same to the man in your life!

Hi....I'm still sad today and confused to what to do with my life and where to go. I know this will pass and I will be happy again, maybe even as soon as tomorrow but right now I'm sad and my heart hurts. And my stomach too. I wish I was in Sweden with my Mom, so I have been sleeping with a teddy bear she gave me when I was six years old. I remember that day and I have kept that bear and I will always have it. Until the day I die. Some people are fortunate to have family to turn to when life gets difficult, I am here all alone. I'm not looking for sympathy, I'm just explaining. Many times when others (friends) have had a hard time with something I have been able to help them out with a place to stay or money. I feel like I have nobody to turn to and have to rely completely on myself. Sometimes that gets overwhelming. I am grateful that I have enough money saved up so I don't have to ask anyone for a loan, that I am glad for. I just know that most people suck and that you can never ever trust anyone, those are the fun lessons I have learned so far.
I did force myself to get out of the house and do some stuff today. Me and Chhaya went on a nice walk, there is still no snow here which is a bit unusual but that's a good thing, I hope it stays snow-less for a while longer. I got some magazines and rented some movies that I will watch tonight. One of the movies is The Frozen Ground and I am really curios about it because it is based on some real life events that took place in Anchorage back in the 70's and 80'. It's about a serial killer that raped and murdered about 20 - 40 or so women, I can't find a real number of the victims. I guess back in the late 70's and 80's Anchorage was a pretty wild town, I have heard so from a few people that lived there back then. One worked as an ER doctor during those days and told me about young girls being brought in because of UTI's and PID's by their pimps, treated and then forced to go and work that same night. There were wild strip clubs and prostitution and men with money to spend. Some of the women the serial killer targeted were dancers and prostitutes in Anchorage. He finally got caught and is currently in some jail in Seward, Alaska. I don't know if that is a fair sentence for somebody that did this to so many women and destroyed the lives of their surviving family members that have to live with the pain. He gets room and board until he dies. But I don't want to get into that now, I already have a deep hatred for men that rape women, molest children and hurt animals. Another note worthy thing about this movie is that many of the extras are girls I used to work with at the Bush Company. So it's going to be fun to see some familiar faces.
Besides this I made some banana pancakes today. I found the recipe on another blog that I read. Very simple, fast and yummy. One banana and one egg. Mush the banana and whisk in the egg, then fry on a frying pan in butter, makes two small pancakes. Not enough for me, so I doubled up.

I had the shittiest Halloween EVER. I have been sad all day today and crying. I feel lonely and isolated, I am far away from my friends and I have nowhere to go for solace and happiness.
I don't know why I am in this fucking town of Kenai anymore, this place is so not for me.
I could write some lies here and pretend that everything is freakin' fantastic here and bla bla bla but I want to be honest. The the truth is I'm just down today and Chhaya is the only thing that I have that gives me happiness and some purpose in life, that is how I feel today.
I went to the Bush Company last night to see the Halloween show. It was a good show.
The girls were beautiful and talented. I saw my old work friends there and that was nice, we hugged and chatted. I have been toying with the thought of going there and work for a couple of weeks but I'm conflicted about it. I just don't know if it will be worth my time. I talked to the girls and they told me that it has been painfully slow during the weekdays, too many girls and basically not much money wise after all the house fees are paid. The thing is that you have to be there at 4 pm and that is way early for me, especially to leave Chhaya in some motel room all by herself until 2 30 am four nights/week. I don't know about that. So I'm torn.
I loved what I had on last night and Savannah said that I was an elegant cat, exactly! I skipped on the mask and painted on a cat nose and some whiskers as I did last year, very easy only takes five minutes. Sorry no pics, I didn't take any. I only took these when I got back to the room and by that time I was already upset.
It is so strange, wrong and hurtful that the people that are supposed to be the ones closest to you are usually the ones causing you the most pain. I have dealt with so many insults and bad treatment from various people in my life lately. Does anyone have any sensitivity and caring in them anymore? I would never in my life do and say the stuff to others as I have been subjected to by some. I think I am too nice and many people take kindness as a weakness and walk all over you. I miss my true friends, I don't have many true friends but the ones I have I miss with my whole soul tonight. My eyes burn from all the tears that I cried today. I don't even know why I even write this blog anymore, what is the purpose of it? I'm tired of everything and nothing feels fun and meaningful today, my joy is crushed and I know it's only temporary but it still hurts a lot. I don't want to be here anymore. At least I have Chhaya and tomorrow I am giving her all my attention and love because at least she deserves it.

Happy Hallows' Eve everybody! I'm slowly getting ready for the evening and I am in Anchorage, at least a bit more fun than what Kenai has to offer.....I hope. I'm finally going to wear these pants that I got at Diesel last December in NYC.....what am I tonight? Fabulous of course.....but that's kind of every night. Not sure about the mask yet but if you want a similar one you can find it at the Zumanity store inside the New York New York hotel in Vegas. I love Halloween and so far my fave costumes for myself have been Lara Croft and Pippi Longstocking. Oh and another time when I had on a super cool, kind of freaky looking but very pretty mask that covered my whole face....that was fun! Well....have to get back to the getting ready process now.