Sad

I had the shittiest Halloween EVER. I have been sad all day today and crying. I feel lonely and isolated, I am far away from my friends and I have nowhere to go for solace and happiness.
I don't know why I am in this fucking town of Kenai anymore, this place is so not for me.
I could write some lies here and pretend that everything is freakin' fantastic here and bla bla bla but I want to be honest. The the truth is I'm just down today and Chhaya is the only thing that I have that gives me happiness and some purpose in life, that is how I feel today.
I went to the Bush Company last night to see the Halloween show. It was a good show.
The girls were beautiful and talented. I saw my old work friends there and that was nice, we hugged and chatted. I have been toying with the thought of going there and work for a couple of weeks but I'm conflicted about it. I just don't know if it will be worth my time. I talked to the girls and they told me that it has been painfully slow during the weekdays, too many girls and basically not much money wise after all the house fees are paid. The thing is that you have to be there at 4 pm and that is way early for me, especially to leave Chhaya in some motel room all by herself until 2 30 am four nights/week. I don't know about that. So I'm torn.
I loved what I had on last night and Savannah said that I was an elegant cat, exactly! I skipped on the mask and painted on a cat nose and some whiskers as I did last year, very easy only takes five minutes. Sorry no pics, I didn't take any. I only took these when I got back to the room and by that time I was already upset.
It is so strange, wrong and hurtful that the people that are supposed to be the ones closest to you are usually the ones causing you the most pain. I have dealt with so many insults and bad treatment from various people in my life lately. Does anyone have any sensitivity and caring in them anymore? I would never in my life do and say the stuff to others as I have been subjected to by some. I think I am too nice and many people take kindness as a weakness and walk all over you. I miss my true friends, I don't have many true friends but the ones I have I miss with my whole soul tonight. My eyes burn from all the tears that I cried today. I don't even know why I even write this blog anymore, what is the purpose of it? I'm tired of everything and nothing feels fun and meaningful today, my joy is crushed and I know it's only temporary but it still hurts a lot. I don't want to be here anymore. At least I have Chhaya and tomorrow I am giving her all my attention and love because at least she deserves it.