This Thursday in November is significant for many (in the US). For me Thanksgiving is nothing I grew up with. So I am ok if nothing happens today. I am ok if I do not celebrate somewhere with others. I don't eat turkey anyways.
I can with certainty say that I am actively grieving. I don't want to do much besides sleep and when I am awake I just lay in bed, having to do something on the growing to do list of the life that is still happening feels almost impossible. I am thinking, crying off and on and just existing. Did I brush my teeth today? It is almost midnight, not yet but I will after I write this. Do not want to add a cavity or worse to this misery.
Around 1 pm today I forced myself to go to Safeway, I had to get food. I like to eat red cabbage, green beans and mashed potatoes this day and on Christmas. When I got home I put the green beans in a pot to heat them up. Kaya got some too. Then I tried to open the red cabbage jar, that did not work. At least I got potatoes with gravy and green beans.
A walk later. I miss my Senna and I miss my beloved friend. Feeling very alone. And I have such guilt. And a persistent feeling in the chest area over the heart, like anxiety or an achy soul. Probably both.
It is getting late, I don't want to sleep because that means that I will wake up later tomorrow sometime and feel again. I will stay up and watch stuff and read random things until I drift off to sleep.
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