Grief

I guess you do not know what grief is until you yourself experience it. Earlier this year in January I had to go to Sweden to move my Mom out of her apartment and into a memory care facility because she could no longer safely live on her own due to Alzheimers. It was a difficult experience on many levels. And it is still challenging. Nobody wants their parent to end up this way. I feel bad for my Mom and her situation.
On October 16 my beautiful beloved Senna passed away, she had been with me on an almost daily basis since November 2018 although she first came into my life in January 2018.
She helped me when my love Chhaya passed away. I loved Senna very much, she was amazing. And I miss her so much. 🐾 I miss both Chhaya and Senna.
And a few days ago a very dear friend of mine suddenly passed away. I am trying to just live through this......somehow.
Tomorrow the family is arriving and I am going to help them with everything and we are having a memorial on Thursday. I have never done this before and I wish things were different.
Not this way. Not this soon. 
And I know that this is just the beginning......I know that I will experience more deaths and that means more tears and more grief. There are moments when I don't want to live anymore because I do not want to be sad anymore or feel deep sadness like this in the future. I am really tired mentally and spiritually and I just don't want to deal with anything difficult anymore. 
And during all of this I have been going through pretty severe stress and trauma on and off consistently since years now. That is something I have not talked about in here, maybe hinted about it a few times. Sometimes I am amazed that I have not had a nervous breakdown (yet). There are times I am so stressed (I guess) that I can barely function, all I feel is severe anxiety.
I know we all face challenges.......living is not easy. At least not for me lately. And I know that I have it good and that many many many have it so much worse than me. And that too makes me sad. Thinking about all the suffering in the world makes me sad.
My friend Julia sent me this yesterday. She also knew my friend that passed away, or I should say passed on to a better place. Julia says she firmly believes that there is something after this life here on Earth. I want to believe that too. So I one day can reunite with every pet and human that I care about and loved.

❤