It rained for a large chunk of the day and I spent a large chunk of my day in bed watching the yearly Swedish Christmas TV calender. The theme changes yearly, this year's is called Snödrömmar (dreams of snow or snow dreams) and it is the first time there is a Sami theme. I really like it. And I have been stuck on a Netflix show I started watching the other day.
I am trying to convince myself to take a bath before I turn off the lights and all the devices for the night but I am feeling lazy. Just me and Kaya. I am in my thoughts a lot and feelings of sadness. It feels good to just be home. I love being home. It is quiet and nobody is looking at me.
With Trump stepping into the White House again in January for another four year term (unless anything changes) there have been some new positions created and some new people getting jobs. Quite interesting, or should I say a mix of comical and WTF is happening?
Like the new ambassador to Greece, Kimberly Guilfoyle......does she even speak Greek?
I have to check, hmmmmm she has a Puerto Rican Mom and an Irish Dad. Ok, what are the chances that Kimberly learned to speak Greek at some point? In case you do not know, Kimberly is enaged to Donald Trump Jr. although it is rumored that the engagement is on its last leg because Junior has a new girlfriend. A newer model, following his Dad's footsteps. So Trump Senior decided to make Kimberly the ambassador to Greece maybe as a band aid for his son's wandering eye. Like here you go now please go away.
Then we have the new ambassador to France, Charles Kushner. Does Charles speak French? He is Donald Trump's daugter's father in law, keep it in the family!
So......I think Trump should take a chance on me! In case you do not know that is the title of an Abba song.
I can do three jobs at once. I can be the ambassador to both Sweden and Poland and the ambassador to all the US exotic dancers. Do I qualify for this? Yes I believe so. I am fluent in Swedish and Polish. I would like to know if the ambassadors to Greece and France are fluent in Greek and French? I have spent time in both Sweden and Poland, so I am familiar with the cultures. I can even help Kushner with the French should he need help. Just like Melania, I am too a polyglot. Kind of. I mean a true polyglot should master like five or six languages according to many linguists. Master is the key word, knowing a few words in a language does not cut it. I can master two, I am good in one, ok in a fourth, I can pass by in a fifth and then I know some random words and phrases in other languages. So, not a true polyglot then. Melania got me beat. 😉
As far as the exotic dancers......well you know the answer to that one. I surely am well above and beyond qualified for all three positions. I think it is time to put a stripper pole in the Oval Office (a nice one that rotates with fun lights) and we can read the daily press briefings while dancing. Or sitting down resting against the pole. I think that Trump will be very pleased.
So somebody needs to notify Donald Trump that there is a Tati that he should take a chance on. And one more thing.....Trump said that there would be no more taxes on tips. Let's see if that happens. I mean he should be held to his word on all the promises made. Please do not tell me that he was promising things just to get votes......
The other day somebody asked me what my favorite flower is, as in they wanted to bring me flowers. And my response was do not bring me flowers because my favorite flowers are the ones that grow outside. Not the ones that wilt away in a vase and get thrown away.
A potted plant is different, like a green leafy plant......those look great and improve the air quality inside.
I found this rose laying on the pavement a few days ago, somebody had bought some roses at the store and this one ended up on the ground with a broken stem. So sad!
I took it to my friend's house where I was staying for a few days, where it could spend a few days being appreciated.
No flowers for me. No real Christmas tree either. I feel bad for them.
I actually went to the movies......twice in the span of a couple of weeks. I saw Ayahuasca Now at the Hollywood Theatre in Portland. A great movie theater that will be turning 100 years old in 2026. A Portland historical landmark.
Yes I am too (like hordes of other Westerners) curiuos about and interested in experiencing Ayahausca. I want to understand the purpose of my ever so meaningless and increasingly emotionally painful existense on this planet. I would like to tap into the spiritual world and whatever Ayahuasca would choose to reveal to me. I started gathering information about Ayahuasca after I read Breaking Open The Head (which is about Iboga) so like almost 20 years ago. After seeing Ayahuasca Now I am not expediting my potential first experience with the sacred plant/vine. How did the people living several hundred years ago know to mix together a certain plant and a vine?
At this point in my life I don't think it would be a good idea to sit with Ayahuasca. I am not in a good space mentally, VERY deep sadness and also anxiety. Maybe one day, or maybe not.
As far as me going to the jungle in South America to get the "real" experience......never say never but that will probably not happen. If it's going to happen it will happen close to home base. But ask me again in 10 years.
And yesterday evening I went to the Columbian Theater here in Astoria and saw Anora, director Sean Baker. Anora aka Ani (or is it Annie?) is a young (23) dancer that lives in Brooklyn NYC, she dances at a club called Headquarters. She meets a boy at the club and gets involved with him. This movie is considered by some as the movie of the year. I have not watched enough or any (?) of the movies that came out in 2024 to weigh in on that. Last time I went to a movie at a movie theater was a few years ago at the Hollywood Theatre in Portland. I am more of a stay at home, lay in bed and watch a movie with my dog next to me kind of person. But once in a while it is fun to go to the movies and it is also nice to support places like the Hollywood Theatre and the Columbian Theater.
Since I am a dancer I find movies about dancers interesting. Anora ends apbrutly.....with Ani crying. So people are discussing why she was crying. I think she was crying because she was emotionally and physically exhausted after what she just went through in the last 24 hours or so and also that the happily ever after fairy tale she thought she had with the boy crashed mercilessly and that means going back to Headquarters and back to living at her sister's apartment in Brighton Beach. Back to that reality. I felt bad for her. She got discarded like a piece of garbage. Happened to me once.
Fun fact.....there is a place called Tatiana Grill in the movie. And it exists in real life too.
Another fact that perhaps you won't be able to relate to unless you currently are or have been a dancer or sex worker as some people refer dancers as, is that once people know that you are a dancer you are only that to them (to like majority of people). And that often means that you will get harshly judged and stigmatized. Speaking from experience here......
I have my own little Anora story of when I danced at Flashdancers in NYC but maybe another time.
This Thursday in November is significant for many (in the US). For me Thanksgiving is nothing I grew up with. So I am ok if nothing happens today. I am ok if I do not celebrate somewhere with others. I don't eat turkey anyways.
I can with certainty say that I am actively grieving. I don't want to do much besides sleep and when I am awake I just lay in bed, having to do something on the growing to do list of the life that is still happening feels almost impossible. I am thinking, crying off and on and just existing. Did I brush my teeth today? It is almost midnight, not yet but I will after I write this. Do not want to add a cavity or worse to this misery.
Around 1 pm today I forced myself to go to Safeway, I had to get food. I like to eat red cabbage, green beans and mashed potatoes this day and on Christmas. When I got home I put the green beans in a pot to heat them up. Kaya got some too. Then I tried to open the red cabbage jar, that did not work. At least I got potatoes with gravy and green beans.
A walk later. I miss my Senna and I miss my beloved friend. Feeling very alone. And I have such guilt. And a persistent feeling in the chest area over the heart, like anxiety or an achy soul. Probably both.
It is getting late, I don't want to sleep because that means that I will wake up later tomorrow sometime and feel again. I will stay up and watch stuff and read random things until I drift off to sleep.
I guess you do not know what grief is until you yourself experience it. Earlier this year in January I had to go to Sweden to move my Mom out of her apartment and into a memory care facility because she could no longer safely live on her own due to Alzheimers. It was a difficult experience on many levels. And it is still challenging. Nobody wants their parent to end up this way. I feel bad for my Mom and her situation.
On October 16 my beautiful beloved Senna passed away, she had been with me on an almost daily basis since November 2018 although she first came into my life in January 2018.
She helped me when my love Chhaya passed away. I loved Senna very much, she was amazing. And I miss her so much. 🐾 I miss both Chhaya and Senna.
And a few days ago a very dear friend of mine suddenly passed away. I am trying to just live through this......somehow.
Tomorrow the family is arriving and I am going to help them with everything and we are having a memorial on Thursday. I have never done this before and I wish things were different.
Not this way. Not this soon.
And I know that this is just the beginning......I know that I will experience more deaths and that means more tears and more grief. There are moments when I don't want to live anymore because I do not want to be sad anymore or feel deep sadness like this in the future. I am really tired mentally and spiritually and I just don't want to deal with anything difficult anymore.
And during all of this I have been going through pretty severe stress and trauma on and off consistently since years now. That is something I have not talked about in here, maybe hinted about it a few times. Sometimes I am amazed that I have not had a nervous breakdown (yet). There are times I am so stressed (I guess) that I can barely function, all I feel is severe anxiety.
I know we all face challenges.......living is not easy. At least not for me lately. And I know that I have it good and that many many many have it so much worse than me. And that too makes me sad. Thinking about all the suffering in the world makes me sad.
My friend Julia sent me this yesterday. She also knew my friend that passed away, or I should say passed on to a better place. Julia says she firmly believes that there is something after this life here on Earth. I want to believe that too. So I one day can reunite with every pet and human that I care about and loved.
