Whoever said Burning Man is about art, community, or any other lofty ideal needs to get their head out of their ass and take a look around them. Anyone with a vagina who has ever tried to navigate the playa will tell you that Burning Man is about three things ONLY: sex, drugs and sunburned ballsacs. Ladies, beware!!!
Here in BRC, a woman of childrearing age can’t take two steps without being humped ferociously by a man in a rabbit costume or a bi-curious sparkle pony in body paint and furry boots. Something about the desert air seems to rev the libido into high gear, so much so that even taking a morning walk to the potty is akin to running a gauntlet of boners. There are perverts everywhere! And this year, what with the bumper crop of fresh, innocent first-timers on playa, they are sure to be out in full force. Burgins, take heed and read this handy guide – knowledge is power!
The Pervs of the Playa can be broken down into five basic categories:
1. Beer-Swilling Frat-Types
First, you have your beer-swilling frat-types, whose sole purpose in being here is to score with the legendary loose hippie chicks of yore (remember, it’s supposed to be a counterculture festival, aka free love hotbed). These types might don a tutu and some krazy sunglasses to give the impression that they’re unconventional artsy types, but they’re really just horny mooks, and there are so many of them that at times you feel like a soon-to-be-roofied sorority girl at the world’s biggest tribal kegger.
Fortunately, these pervs are easy to spot – and avoid.
2. Swingers
Then there are the swingers. Burning Man is actually listed on the events calendars of several “Lifestyle” (blecchh) networking sites – apparently, it’s become a huge swing paradise, with several “play” (blerrrrg) parties taking place in various camps on the lake bed. A girl can’t walk from Dandelion to Edelweiss without an oversexed, middle-aged couple welcoming her with open arms and dusty, sunbaked genitals! Many such camps also offer refuge to the weary playa bunny under the guise of a “free massage” or “free misting…” but it’s all just a ruse to get chicks into the sack – or into one of the many orgies constantly taking place. Be advised!!
3. S&M Freaks
Next, you have a sizeable contingent of S&M freaks, who make their presence known by setting up spanking camps and open-air dungeons, and by
walking around in little more than nipple clamps and Prince Alberts. Such camps lure in passing lovelies with the promise of free drinks in exchange for spankings, brandings, or the application of Burning Man tattoos to your ivory ass cheeks. Apparently it’s very liberating for the S&M crowd to be able to carry on like this in the bright light of day, instead of lurking around their usual converted-basement dungeons; the sunshine makes them bold,
so take care!
4. Furries
The fourth group of perverts is the most unsettling: the Furries, deviants who get off on pretending to be animals and humping each other. Due to the prodigious amounts of Ecstasy consumed at Burning Man, most people are walking around with a heightened sense of touchy-feeliness, and want to rub up on any soft, fuzzy thing they come across. Enter the Furries! Virtually every third person on the playa is wearing a furry vest, furry boots, raccoon tail, or fuzzy hat with animal ears. Most of them are just bean-eating E-tards enjoying the feel of the fur, but a solid minority are legitimate Furries, out to mount one another and whinny, growl and nicker into each other’s ears. Creeeepy!
5. Gurus
The last group of pervs is actually the most insidious, because they appear so artsy and benign: many of the classic Burner artsy-fartsy hippie-dippie counterculture types are actually HUGE raging sex freaks! Often, they disguise themselves as “gurus” or “self- help experts” who are there to help you “open your chakras” with a special “yoni massage” (“yoni” being alterna-spiritual-clap-trap-speak for “vagina”). Many a naïve young playa bunny falls victim to these dirty old men, myself included – I once encountered a particularly smarmy “tantric massage therapist” who persuaded me to let him massage a pulled muscle in my groin… and you can guess where that led!
Then there’s perennial favorite “Mister Orgasm,” who takes appointments in his hexayurt to demonstrate some freaky new sex tool he devised for “playa goddesses.” Exploring your sexuality is all well and good… but when you’ve been riding a bike around in 95-degree weather all week with alkaline dust in every crevice and no running water, the last thing you want is some dirty old man jamming his healing hands up your twat. Ya know?!
Now, girls…with all that being said, if you can navigate the hordes of slavering pervs, it is possible to find plenty of amazing, beautiful things out on the playa. Especially if you’ve remembered to pack your shiny burqa, pink rhinestone chastity belt and trusty Be-Dazzled stun-gun. Only then will you be able to ride around the playa virtually unmolested, actually enjoying the “art” and “music” said to be lurking somewhere amidst all the gratuitous tits, phalluses, orgies and public sex displays.
Welcome home!!!
Me and Sarah. You can read her masterpiece blog here
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