Entries by TATIANA

What I wanted to talk about today is being friends with girls at work and outside of work. A lot of times I like the person, who they are but outside of work. Because at work they can sometimes act in ways that are totally inappropriate. I am talking about doing dirty dances for example and breaking the rules. That does affect MY work environment and my income as well. And many of the girls I work with are only looking at the situation from their perspective, how much money they have at the end of the night. Even if that means doing stuff that we are not supposed to do. It makes it difficult to be friends with a a girl that acts like that at work outside of work.
Because she messes up work for me and for the rest of the girls with her behavior.
This is where management SHOULD step in and put an end to it. But in many clubs management looks the other way, it has to do with money. Most of the time, the more money the girl is making the more money the club is making. For example, getting a cut of the dances made. There are always rules, not always followed though and that makes it very annoying and frustrating. I can think that the girl is a total sweetheart outside of work, feel like we have a friendship going but that does not take away the fact that she behaves really bad at work. After a while that will impose on the friendship. At least it will for me. I can't overlook stuff like that. Especially if she is also talking bad about other girls and what they are doing but does pretty much the same thing herself, even worse at times. It would be as if I would sit here and preach about the importance to stick to the rules at work, so it is fair for everybody but then sneak in a few handjobs and blowjobs if I got offered enough money. That would make me a hypocrite, I try not to be one.
Last Friday some guy offered me a few hundred more if I was going to let him touch and lick me under my panties. I said no. No means no with me. Every time. I don't care about the money, I care about me. I made a promise to myself shortly after I started this occupation to not do things that I am not comfortable with. And I don't. Also I have to look at the bigger picture and think about how this will affect me and my co workers in the future. And how that would affect me emotionally. I would not feel good about myself if I had random guys touching me intimately like that. Or if I would touch guys in that way. Some girls are ok with it. If I was ok with that I would perhaps consider working in a brothel or as a very high priced escort. And by the way, a strip club should never ever be about taking it that far. Therefore I prefer to work in clubs where touching is either limited or not allowed at all and that being strictly adhered to.
Then you do not have to deal with girls that act like that and guys who think they can do whatever.

It is a little after 1 am and I am at work, it is super slow, I didn't even change out of my regular clothes. For what? What am I doing here exactly again? I could had stayed home. Total waste of time to take a bath and shave. I could had been in bed now, eating, being smelly and hairy. So this is me right now, hoodie (always) and braids.



This week better improve or I am going to throw a major tantrum! So, instead of changing into what I usually wear at work, something skimpy and heels, I sat in the dressing room and occupied myself with phone calls, my computer and cleaning my Hello Kitty make up bag. And now I am going to put on my jacket and drive home.
This was totally LAME! But it's ok. It is what it is.

It's time to get back to the grind again tonight. Yeehaw........kind of. Yawn.

So I sent my taxes away today. I went to the post office first but the line was longer than the lines usually are around Christmas time and when I saw that I turned around and went to UPS instead. No line there. I really do not like the lines at the post office (who does?) and I did not have the time or patience for that today. So the taxes are done and sent.
Last week while driving home from work I came very close to hitting a moose with my car. It was standing in the middle of the road, in between both lanes (two lane highway). I saw it when I was basically right upon it, the moose looked at me, it's head turned towards the car. I screamed and quickly merged sharply to the right and then back onto the road again. Very close call. Now I am paying even more attention to the roads than before, always high beams at night, unless there are other cars present and I drive slower than the 55 MPH limit. I would had been SO UPSET if I would had hit that moose. For the moose's sake, I do not want to injure an animal. That was the second time I almost hit a moose here in Alaska. Another time a moose just walked out on the road and I had to quickly merge then too. And last year some freak driving in the opposite lane decided to leave the lane they were in to come into my lane, going straight towards my car. It would had been a head on collision and their car would had been totaled since I was driving a large truck. I quickly turned onto the shoulder and barely avoided that accident. Scary.
I have been thinking about death a lot lately. About the purpose of existing. Just to be born, grow old (if you are fortunate or unfortunate to grow old depending on how you look at it), consume and then die? There must be something else. I hope there is something else. So I can be reunited with everybody that ever meant anything to me and Chhaya of course. Because that is what I fear the most in life, to be forever separated from the ones I love and care about, the thought of that is almost unbearable. Life is fragile and at least I take it for granted a lot. Anything can happen. Look what happened in Boston today, nobody expected that. Yet in some places in the world death is always present, in a different more direct way than in my reality. I wish we could live forever. And since that is not possible (here on Earth) I wish and hope to continue forever somewhere else, in a different reality. With Chhaya by my side.

I have been up since about 9 am this morning. Got all kinds of things done already, there is definitely an advantage to getting up earlier. Now I am waiting for my bowl of soup to cool down so I can eat, I am really hungry. I made chicken soup again, thought that would be a good thing to eat after having that pounding headache yesterday that I suspect I had due to how smokey it is at work. Sometimes I can't be around the bar area where most people congregate because of all the smoke, I have to go and breathe in a clean air pocket somewhere. I hope they make it smoke free here soon, secondhand smoke is really bad for you. But anyways, I feel great today. I am not sure what I am going to do for the reminder of this very sunny Sunday, probably relax, read and watch a movie or two and The Apprentice later.
Here are some pics from a shoot I did in LA. I got my hair curled for it, nothing that I would bother with myself. Too time consuming. Somebody else did it for me.

I got a really bad headache this afternoon. It spread down my neck and pulsated out of my ears. I was out doing errands when after lingering for a while it hit me with full force. As soon as I came home I took a headache pill and went to bed and now I am feeling better although I can still feel it in the back of my neck. I know that if I go to work tonight, the smoke and the loud sounds in there will make me feel sick again so it looks like I am staying in. 😥 Although I don't really want to. My hair stinks like smoke and getting a whiff of it makes me feel nauseous. I rarely take any pills for aches but when I have a headache or bad period cramps I have to. I feel bad for people that don't have access to anything to help them with pain. What do they do? What did people do back in the day when they suffered from aches and pains? Got drunk on home brewed wheat and barley to ease the discomfort? Made tea from willow bark?
So......my plans for tonight? I have to take Chhaya out regardless of how I feel. Then I am going to watch movies and read my new magazines. Maybe I will learn something new. I like that the Yes! magazine is printed on 100% post-consumer waste.



I also took a pic of these books the other day. I have the Unlikely Friendships by Jennifer Holland. It is AMAZING, it gives examples of friendships that animals form with each other. Cutest book ever. I haven't read the other ones but I think they are fitting. Dancers Among Us by Jordan Matter. There are all kinds of dancers. Like me.
And Lean In by Sheryl Sandberg. I don't think I will read it (at this point at least) but I think that it brings up an important message for women in general. Do not feel afraid to be seen and heard. In all areas of life. Don't sit back and let men do all the talking and doing. Do not let yourself be intimidated and dominated. One thing that bothers me is when girls act dumb on purpose. Well, some are vapid and that is the reality of things. But to act dumb because they think it is cute or something........that is really BAD.