Welcome to Chaos !!

Hello from a cold, windy and rainy Portland. Oh and it is Valentine's Day and another mass shooting took place here in the US and caused grief and trauma......and death. It is going to be a "fun" year moving forward here, it is election year in USA and I am worried that people are going to get completely unhinged, more than they already are. My vote goes to Bernie (Sanders), yes I know he is not running (too bad) but my vote still goes to Bernie. Plus I can't vote here anyways. But I align with affordable health care for all plus other Bernie visions that seem to anger and scare many Americans. 
I talked to my friend Ann the other day and she says she just doesn't care about politics because she feels like it won't matter who she votes for anyways, nothing will change and the world is not safe. I wish I could tell her differently.
I am holding on to hope, I guess. For now. Maybe one day I won't care either.
So Happy Valentine's Day, I guess to you. I saw this art heart at Kulturhuset in Stockholm.

Does anybody feel genuinly bad for all the flowers that go to waste? Like is it really necessary to have all these bouquets? Just buy a fucking plant and water it and watch it grow. I tell everybody, do NOT buy me flowers. Poor flowers. So pretty, just to end up in the trash. Humans suck.

Valentine's Day can be spent in so many more ways than together with that significant other. Like spent with yourself, nothing like luxurious time by yourself. Or in the amazing company of friends and pets. Nothing better than friends and pets in my opinion. Or with your skateboard.

I have no plans this evening. I am doing what I like doing - which is NOTHING or as little as possible. I do not want to be around strangers, don't want to be around noise - I like peace and quiet. I am around loud noise and strangers filling my ears with words and sounds and exhausting my brain when I work. People ask me all the time what kind of music I like to listen to and where I go out. The answer is, I rarely listen to music at home because I am around music so much at work and I do not go out, I go to work. Being at work is like going out. Except I go out in my underwear......A mix of strangers, music, alcohol, chatter and at the end of my night "going out" I count my money. Thank You.
Me being out.

There is a shipwreck on the beach here on the Oregon coast. I have been out to it once before but I heard that more of the shipwreck is exposed now so I thought I would take a look at it again. But there was high tide today when I was there.
Maybe another time. This is the Peter Iredale shipwreck and it has been stuck in the sand for over 100 years.

 It is so nice outside today. It feels like spring. I feel restless inside.

Well......I am back in Portland since a few days now. Longest trip back ever. Getting to Arlanda (the airport a bit outside Stockholm) and dragging my luggage around, waiting for about six hours at Arlanda for the first flight, going through security, trekking from one gate to another and hoisting my super heavy carry on into the overhead bin a total of three times and getting it down as well was pretty miserable. Sat next to a three year old child that had a very loud meltdown because he was unhappy over his experience flying I guess.
He screamed like he was getting branded with a cattle rod for like 20 minutes. Missed my connecting flight to Portland so I got home three hours later than I was supposed to. Got some rest and relief on two of the flights out of three. But I guess what matters in the end is that I got back safely and my luggage too.

The following day after returning I had an appointment with a dermatologist for a full body check. Needed to have all my moles checked. Three spots got frozen off with liquid nitrogen right then and there. I want a liquid nitrogen tank so I can freeze off every mole on my body. And I got two moles biopsied and most likely I have basal cell carcinoma (again) and need that removed. I had a mole surgically removed in 2016 for that reason. Waiting for lab results. I so regret frying myself in tanning beds and laying out in the sun for too long.
Listen to me.....do not use tanning beds and do not burn in the sun.

I missed one shift at work because I could not get the biopsied areas wet for 24 hours. Worked one shift, I was super cold the whole time and fell asleep in front of the heater in the dressing room due to jet lag and had one of my worst shifts ever money wise. Not even worth being there, should had stayed at home but you never know I guess.
Let's end this depressing entry on a different note. I guess spring has sprung, at least here. For now. That can change depending on the weather.

Today was a repeat of yesterday pretty much. Fika and books.
Met Monika outside Åhléns, hopped on the subway and tried the Vete-Katten on Söder. They did not have any cinnamon there. Meh. I like to sprinkle cinnamnon on my latte, a proper café should have cinnamon.
I had an oatmilk latte (of course) a wienersemla and a muscovadobulle - a first for both. I love semla and this kind is a hybrid of some sort. The traditional semla is a bit different. There is even a day dedicated to the semla here, Fettisdagen which falls on February 13th this year . Big thumbs up for the wienersemla, I loved it. The muscovadobulle got thumbs down from both me and Monika.

At the table to our left sat a couple that saw some books that I brought with me so we started talking books and authors. That was nice. I got some more books. These two. Stacken by Annika Norlin and Morgon och Kväll by Jon Fosse (recipient of the Nobel Prize in Literature 2023).

When we were done with fika we walked. And took a peek inside Kulturhuset, I like that place.
Pippi, Barbapappa and the rest of the gang in this picture is childhood to me.

Then it was time for Hej Då och vi ses and a hug.
It might seem like all I do is meet up with friends for fika, read and take slow walks and take pictures of things. I WISH.
I have been occupied everyday since I arrived with stuff pertaining my Mom and I have been spending time with her everyday.

Busy day today. It is a quarter to midnight, I am tired. 
I met up with Monika outside Åhléns and then we strolled over to Vete-Katten to fika, it's like our tradition. The place was packed, not a single table available so we left and wandered around for a bit. Saw this beautiful sight.

And this tomte in Gamla Stan. One thing I have not yet experienced, the beauty of the northern parts of Sweden. I want to visit Lappland. And other counties too. Sweden is made up of 21 counties (we say landskap). Lappland is the furthest North, Skåne is the furthest South and Stockholm is in Södermanland.

Then we walked back to Vete-katten and managed to find a table and sat there and talked for probably two hours - a proper fika. Prinsesstårta of course!

I could not resist, had to get these books. Jävla Karlar by Andrev Walden, the author's debut novel which he received Augustpriset for last year. I read a few chapters on the commuter rail back home. Promising!

I am looking at one extra suitcase going back to Portland. Bringing stuff back with me.

Last night I walked by myself in the winter evening from Medborgarplatsen to T-Centralen......I felt like a stranger in my own city. This place that I am so familiar with but at the same time removed from. The familiar sounds and views.....I love my city but I also don't know where I belong. It is a conflicted feeling. Like where should I be? I don't know.

The ice quietly bumped around in Mälaren. I kept on walking......my heart on fire. 

Walked by people giddily ice skating in Kungsträdgården.

The lyrics to a melancholy (melancholy sounding to me at least) song that reminds me of childhood. "Ingen dager synes än men stjärnorna på himmelen de blänka." I get a weird feeling in my stomach when I hear that song. Staffan Var En Stalledräng is the name of it by the way, it's a traditional Christmas song.

I got off the commuter rail and walked. It felt like one of those winters when I was a child. A beautiful evening, not too cold a great evening for a walk. Those childhood winters felt majestic and mysterious.