Welcome to Chaos !!

Week 48 - I showed up three times to dutifully do my community service in the wooden box. Wednesday was the best day of the week for me. Stage was decent and I had a devoted fan that got several dances and declared that he thought I was amazing. Friday was the day after Thanksgiving and everybody was talking about how much turkey and pie they had devoured. It was an ok evening, on the slow side. Nothing stands out, no that I can remember.
Saturday was a ghost town, I left with a whole $20. Yes......! Adding that to my retirement fund. I brought in glycolic acid because one of the girls has some stubborn outbreaks on her butt that are not going away. So I am going to treat her butt with it when we work together. If you too got some outbreaks on your body that you want to get rid of, look into glycolic acid.
It supposedly works for taming armit odor as well.

Week 49. I was the first to arrive on Wednesday. Got undressed from my regular clothes, which basically always consist of sweatpants and a hoodie. And then hopped into the work clothes, which is something that fits in the palm of my hand. Turned on the heater, went on stage and did a lap dance. All of that within 15 minutes. A weird guy made his second appearance in the club, something is not right with him mentally. I am keeping an eye on him. I kind of keep an eye on everybody.
I picked up Thursday because one of the girls could not work her shift. Well......it was terrible. I managed to leave with MINUS $30. Did not even make the house fee. I don't think they will make me pay it. They meaning the club.
Some guys asked me and another girl what the worst thing is that we have experienced at work. People seem to think that we get like assaulted at work or something. That is not how it is for me. I told them the worst is when people come in with very bad hygiene, like smell like feces. Actually the worst experience for me was when some guy shat his pants and then decided to sit his diarrhea soaked pants ass down on several cloth chairs throughout the club that people later sat on, including myself. That was a disgusting experience. So for me it is when people have bad hygiene. Blergh......
The other girl on the other hand is like 5'2" and tiny so she gets guys that get handsy with her, or persistently try to and she really needs to practice to be more assertive but she does not want people to think she is mean. Like why? I love it when guys are scared of me at work, they should be.
Saturday I was busy. One guy said that he had been waiting for me all night. How sweet, come back again!
Swedish word of the day, varför and that means why. 

First of December has arrived. One month left of 2025. That's it. One more year went by.
I am......here. Still. My friend that abruptly passed away last year in November, well today December 1st is his birthday. This past year since that happened has been very difficult for me. I did better a few months ago. But since about mid October it got bad again. It was the one year "anniversary" of his passing and then today it is his birthday. I have frequent thoughts about what I could had, should had done differently so maybe what happened would not had happened. I think about him a lot, almost every waking moment. I feel guilty and I am angry at the situation. I do not want to accept this new reality for me and his family. It is very difficult and the sadness is deep and I just kind of don't want to do anything besides what I have to do to keep my life going. Unless one goes through something like this one cannot understand.
Life is forever changed. For the worse. This person was my person. My piece of the puzzle. That is what we used to say, that we found our piece of the puzzle when we found each other. And he is gone. And I feel like I failed him, that I am part of why he passed away. He was the most beautiful and special human, my person. And I know that I will never find anybody that will be close to that kind of a person for me in this lifetime. I never want to come back to live a life here again, to live is to suffer. And I wonder if that's it? Like I will never see him again? All of these thoughts and feelings and the sadness and the grief is just surrounding me right now. I look for signs from him everywhere. Hoping that maybe I will dream of him when I sleep. I already knew since a long time that I am not meant for this world. There is so much suffering everyhwere and I have been aware of it since a long time and it makes me sad. And I know it will only get worse. I will lose more people that I am close to. And pets. And I do not want to live through any more of that.
Some of today's pictures while ouside with Kaya. The sun was shining. 

This evening I watched the yearly Swedish Julkalender, this year it is called Tidstjuven. And I got an advent calendar with chocolates from IKEA. Tradition, it feels good. Memories of childhood Christmases with lots of snow and playing outside.

Not only are there chocolate pieces behind every window, you get a promotional card for a free meatball plate at IKEA as well. I love eating at IKEA, I get the veggie balls or plant balls. I love IKEA in general.