I am sitting here with Chhaya in an eccentric looking house somewhere in Idaho. There is lots of snow outside, countless of trees are surrounding us, laden heavy with snow. It's warm inside, I am writing in front of a pellet stove - it makes me feel cozy and warm. Darkness has fallen outside and I feel like darkness has fallen upon me too. I feel very alone, very scared and very sad. In fact my heart feels like it's breaking, sometimes I think that I am too sensitive for this life. It's too sharp for me. Why am I even here? What is the point? I want my Mom because right now I feel small and just want the comfort of my Mother, how it was when I was a child. But she is far away in another country, we talk fairly often. I don't tell her that I love her because I don't know how, I don't know why I can't tell her.....I guess I show her, hopefully she feels it and knows it. At least I have a Mother, my Dad passed away many years ago and I never really knew him but I cried when I found out. I cried because I mourned never knowing my Dad. What was he like? What made him smile? Did he ever think of me? Did he miss me?
I wonder if I would had been a different person today if I had known my Dad? I don't know, these are just thoughts right here and now. But my Mom is here, although not nearby. A close friend of mine lost both her parents a year apart, she is still destroyed over it. Life is scary and full of heavy sadness in between the joy and the day to day normalcy.
My life is falling apart it feels like. I remember around this time last year, I was hoping that THIS year 2015 I would find a place to call home, to gather all my things together in one spot and build a home......finally after so many years to find stability. Now I feel more unsure than ever.
Chhaya is sleeping next to me. The vet in Vegas told me after a few skin scrapings, lab tests and hundreds of dollars (of course) that she has MRSA. I could not believe it. What does this mean and how? Then the vet here in Idaho told me to not put her on the very strong medications the vet in Vegas had recommended, saying that it might do more harm than good, that it's not MRSA, to not worry. She gave me veterinarian strength Vetericyn to spray on the affected areas twice daily and also a supplement called The Missing Link Plus. I hope that this vet here is right and that Chhaya is OK. Although, she did get some lanolin squirted into both of her ears (she had a small wax buildup in ONE ear) and now she is almost deaf! It's awful, I feel so bad for her because this made her sad and I hope it goes away! My poor baby and friend. I love Chhaya SO much. I know you understand if you have or had that special animal companion in your life.
I think about life a lot, what could had been and where I went wrong when I did. How one day everything is seemingly carefree and happy and then the next full of sadness and despair. If I would not had left Sweden my life would had been so much different. Most likely (although one never knows) more secure with my family and close friends nearby. I would probably had an education with a degree from a University. I have found good friends here in the US, in fact I just got off the phone (not sure how I managed to have phone and internet connection out here in the forest this evening) with a dear friend. We talked for 1 1/2 hours. Thank You friend. But my life feels unsure and unstable, I have difficulties, got financial burdens that nobody advised me against that I have struggled with for so long now and I am tired of trying, tired of fighting. I want stability, I want rest and peace of mind. And direction and stability.
Every year at this time I remember my childhood, when I lived in a yellow house (a villa as we say in Sweden), we had a black lab named Cilla, she was always happy. When I would go ice skating with my friends after school.
I remember one Christmas vacation, I was 9 maybe, it was cold and there was lots of snow. Two children got lost in the forest across the highway from my house. They were found the next day - dead. I remember sitting by the window in the living room that night when they had called for adults to help search for the children, looking out towards that dark forest.....thinking about them. I was so sad when I heard the news. I will never forget them.
It was a sad Christmas story that year.
Life is so hard sometimes, so much sadness, so much heartbreak. Don't hurt the people you supposedly love.....there is enough hardship to deal with already.
I've been so sad lately, over a lot. Maybe I think too much or like I said, I'm too sensitive for this life. I have even thought about quitting the blog. I go back and forth on that.
Wondering what the meaning is for writing, for me to open up about my life, my dreams, my feelings and thoughts.....especially since I have at times received negativity because I write a public blog. But it has kept me company many many times when I have felt alone, knowing that somebody out there is reading this and maybe, just maybe I can make one person FEEL something, feel something good. That makes me feel good inside.
I just wanted to say this tonight, unburden my heart a bit. I know it's a bit confusing and kind of like a ramble but that is a reflection of my state of mind right now. I don't now if it helped, maybe I should had been quiet instead. I don't know anymore.
