Welcome to Chaos !!

Wednesday was another slow night. Nothing going on, so I could just occupy myself with other stuff. I made this little ad for free pool to be put on the club's social media page (Instagram) and then I wrote the Swedish word of the week......stjärna which means star.

And I put on a cute holiday appropriate dress and took this picture for the IG as well.

Then it was Friday and Saturday. Friday two guys came by and they were being friendly and chatty but did not comtribute to much more than trying to have conversations and buying us drinks. One of them come up to me twice to tell me he thought that I was very pretty but standoffish. Oh no, you don't say!? Standoffish? Yes absolutely I can be, depending on how annoyed I feel with people. And the other one was telling us about a drink he had invented while on vacation, that he had named a ridiculous name that I don't even want to mention here.....(I do not know if he really came up with the drink but anyhow), here is the receipe in case you want to make it for yourself - 2 shots (or parts) of gin, some pineapple juice, a bit of grenadine and shake that concoction well, pour over ice and top off with Sprite. I did not want anything to drink besides cranberry juice but a couple of girls tried the gin drink and said it was good. He tried to get me to drink something besides juice four times but I declined. And then he started asking intrusive questions and I quickly became "standoffish" and he reacted by turning into a pouty manchild.  
Saturday all I can recall is that we were having fun and entertaining conversations.

Tried these two dairy free plant based frozen desserts by So Delicious instead of having ice cream made with dairy.
I will not eat the mint chip again, that was a no for me. Not bad, just did not please my tastebuds.
But the cold brew coffe was a yes, actually yummy and I will have it again. What else is new on the food front? I have been drinking a lot of my morning coffee at home actually instead of going to the coffee shop. But one of my fave baristas here in town is moving at the end of the month, so I will make sure to go and get my oatmilk lattes from her before she leaves.
I ordered pizza from Papa Murphy's for the first time the other day. The pizza was ok BUT the place (I picked up the pizza myself I never get delivery) smelled like yucky bleach and the food containers where the toppings for the pizza are stored looked kind of mucky. So I am not sure if I will get pizza from there again, well maybe one more time and if the place still smells and looks mucky then that will be the last time.

A while back I got some more Aveda products for my hair. Sap Moss shampoo. I like it. And Nutriplenish conditioner, the light moisture hydration one.  I like that one too.

And a current picture of my hair. I get a lot of comments and questions about my hair, due to the lenght. Is your hair real?
Are those extensions? How long have you been growing your hair? Do you ever cut your hair?
I like to say that it is a wig. Or that yes, I have extensions and I get them for cheap at Sally's Beauty Supply. My hair has been about this lenght, give or take some inches, for a long time. I am used to it. And yes, I get a trim, usually three to five inches once or twice/year. I go to low cost salons, since all I am doing is getting a trim. I wash my hair twice/week, it air dries (I never blow dry), no hair spray or anything too complicated, no styling. I finger comb it and use a wide tooth comb for detangling.
I am way too lazy to spend a lot of time on my hair. It used to be in much better condition.
I sometimes get comments that my hair is luxurious, yes years ago it actually was. Now it is more on the dry side and not as thick and healthy as it once was. It is getting thinner but it doesn't look scary thin yet. 

Wednesday was just normal. I was the first girl to arrive. Getting changed from my regular clothes into work clothes only takes a few minutes. I never dress nicely for work. Sweatpants, t shirt and a hoodie usually. Flip flops when it is not too cold. When I lived in Vegas I would sometimes go out after work, Utopia, SRO, Drais, GLO......those were the days! Then if I had plans to go out after work I would of course dress accordingly. But those days are over. I never wear make up to work, if I decide to put any on I do so after I arrive depending on my mood. 
There is a guy that comes in that likes feet. He is actually very sweet. He got a dance from me. I had my shoes off of course. He likes feet on his face. Dancer heels start smelling pretty bad after a couple of months. It has nothing to do with foot hygiene, I scrub my feet with scrub gloves after work. The heels just start smelling, but you have to kind of stick your nose into them to get a whiff. Perfect if you are into smelly heels. And feet, cause the feet smell like the heels.
Friday was a pretty busy night for me. One girl was annoyed with the crowd and that she did not get any dances. She hustles kind of hard but nobody was interested I guess. It happens.
I found $10 on the floor and decided to try to find who lost it. I asked around and made a note but nobody stepped up so in the end I got to take the $10 home. It was more for fun to make a big deal about the $10 but believe it or not, I do not automatically pocket money that I find in the club. Ok, if I see $1 or $5 on the ground with nobody around, I pick it up. If the girl before me on stage forgets money on the stage I give it to her. If the money is next to somebody I always tell them that they lost money. And if there are any larger amounts I ask around if it is not obviuos who's money it is.

Arrived Saturday with two new outfits. I have been thinking about getting the black one for a while, I have two other ones in the same style (the light purple and the blue one) and they fit great. One size fits all. But the new black one did not fit right, it is too small and rides up in the crotch. Not flattering and uncomfortable.
The blue one was a gift. Have not tried it on yet. I spent most of the night in the dressing room, I just did not feel social. 

And that was week 50. 

Week 48 - I showed up three times to dutifully do my community service in the wooden box. Wednesday was the best day of the week for me. Stage was decent and I had a devoted fan that got several dances and declared that he thought I was amazing. Friday was the day after Thanksgiving and everybody was talking about how much turkey and pie they had devoured. It was an ok evening, on the slow side. Nothing stands out, no that I can remember.
Saturday was a ghost town, I left with a whole $20. Yes......! Adding that to my retirement fund. I brought in glycolic acid because one of the girls has some stubborn outbreaks on her butt that are not going away. So I am going to treat her butt with it when we work together. If you too got some outbreaks on your body that you want to get rid of, look into glycolic acid.
It supposedly works for taming armit odor as well.

Week 49. I was the first to arrive on Wednesday. Got undressed from my regular clothes, which basically always consist of sweatpants and a hoodie. And then hopped into the work clothes, which is something that fits in the palm of my hand. Turned on the heater, went on stage and did a lap dance. All of that within 15 minutes. A weird guy made his second appearance in the club, something is not right with him mentally. I am keeping an eye on him. I kind of keep an eye on everybody.
I picked up Thursday because one of the girls could not work her shift. Well......it was terrible. I managed to leave with MINUS $30. Did not even make the house fee. I don't think they will make me pay it. They meaning the club.
Some guys asked me and another girl what the worst thing is that we have experienced at work. People seem to think that we get like assaulted at work or something. That is not how it is for me. I told them the worst is when people come in with very bad hygiene, like smell like feces. Actually the worst experience for me was when some guy shat his pants and then decided to sit his diarrhea soaked pants ass down on several cloth chairs throughout the club that people later sat on, including myself. That was a disgusting experience. So for me it is when people have bad hygiene. Blergh......
The other girl on the other hand is like 5'2" and tiny so she gets guys that get handsy with her, or persistently try to and she really needs to practice to be more assertive but she does not want people to think she is mean. Like why? I love it when guys are scared of me at work, they should be.
Saturday I was busy. One guy said that he had been waiting for me all night. How sweet, come back again!
Swedish word of the day, varför and that means why. 

First of December has arrived. One month left of 2025. That's it. One more year went by.
I am......here. Still. My friend that abruptly passed away last year in November, well today December 1st is his birthday. This past year since that happened has been very difficult for me. I did better a few months ago. But since about mid October it got bad again. It was the one year "anniversary" of his passing and then today it is his birthday. I have frequent thoughts about what I could had, should had done differently so maybe what happened would not had happened. I think about him a lot, almost every waking moment. I feel guilty and I am angry at the situation. I do not want to accept this new reality for me and his family. It is very difficult and the sadness is deep and I just kind of don't want to do anything besides what I have to do to keep my life going. Unless one goes through something like this one cannot understand.
Life is forever changed. For the worse. This person was my person. My piece of the puzzle. That is what we used to say, that we found our piece of the puzzle when we found each other. And he is gone. And I feel like I failed him, that I am part of why he passed away. He was the most beautiful and special human, my person. And I know that I will never find anybody that will be close to that kind of a person for me in this lifetime. I never want to come back to live a life here again, to live is to suffer. And I wonder if that's it? Like I will never see him again? All of these thoughts and feelings and the sadness and the grief is just surrounding me right now. I look for signs from him everywhere. Hoping that maybe I will dream of him when I sleep. I already knew since a long time that I am not meant for this world. There is so much suffering everyhwere and I have been aware of it since a long time and it makes me sad. And I know it will only get worse. I will lose more people that I am close to. And pets. And I do not want to live through any more of that.
Some of today's pictures while ouside with Kaya. The sun was shining. 

This evening I watched the yearly Swedish Julkalender, this year it is called Tidstjuven. And I got an advent calendar with chocolates from IKEA. Tradition, it feels good. Memories of childhood Christmases with lots of snow and playing outside.

Not only are there chocolate pieces behind every window, you get a promotional card for a free meatball plate at IKEA as well. I love eating at IKEA, I get the veggie balls or plant balls. I love IKEA in general.