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Happy New Year My Friends

Happy New Year my friends. I am wishing you all the best. Be safe and kind to each other. It is less than two hours left of 2015 here where I am. 2016 starts soon. What does that mean? Anything? I don't know. But I want to thank you for reading. Thank you for the encouraging words throughout the years. Writing this blog has kept me company, your company. It has given me something to do. I know that I don't know most of you, since most of you are silent readers. It's OK. Take care of each other and the ones you love. True love and friendship are precious and hard to find. I might take Chhaya for a drive before midnight and see if we can see some fireworks in town. She likes the "boom booms" as we call it. ❤







Something

Well, 90% of everything that I own as far as material possessions is packed away still.
I'm overwhelmed with a lot in life right now. So unpacking, putting away, putting in place and cleaning will happen when it does. This year, this Christmas these are my decorations. I guess it's something. Until they get packed away too and perhaps unpacked next year for Christmas.....or not. You never know what life will bring. Happy one day. Sadness the next. I'm laying here confused and thinking. About life. And broken promises. What people do to each other. I hope you are well and safe. Thank you for reading. Goodnight to all of you my friends......I will try to sleep now.



Sleeping Beauty

Look at the sleeping beauty enjoying a soft blanket and cuddles from the teddy. I just finished a yummy coffee. Now I'm going to hop in the bath, then dig out something warm to wear and head out to do some errands and find a place for an exciting walk for Chhaya. I HATE doing boring errands but if I don't get it done today it will feel extra difficult to handle them tomorrow. Never ending boring pestering errands dealing with the same issue for years now.
Chhaya seems OK actually quite well, I called the vet yesterday to ask about her hearing loss after they squirted that thick ointment in her ears. They told me this was normal and once the ointment dissolves she should be back to normal but it can take a while. OK good to know, that made me less worried but the vet did not inform me of this fact beforehand.
I noticed on Chhaya that something was wrong. Anyways......time to get out of bed.



Birthday

So it's my birthday today. I'm back in front of the pellet stove with my feet propped up against it. I found Chhaya's larger bed and put it down next to me and she is sleeping. We went for a walk just down the road to the main road, one car passed us - they (whoever inside) waved.....I waved back. I ate a Noosa lemon yoghurt and had an iced tea. My vision for this birthday was to visit Leavenworth (a Bavarian style village in Washington) but I guess that is not going to happen today. I am going to take a bath, clean and organize a little soon.
This place is a complete mess. The house is large but only the master bedroom, kitchen and large living room area (that has the pellet stove) can in my opinion be used for living quarters. The other rooms can be used for storage. There is a spiral stair case that leads up to a small room upstairs that looks like it held a person prisoner or something a long time ago, perhaps a princess. It reminds me of what in Sweden we call a "kråkslott", it's a very weird looking house. One room looks like a large garage, I could set up my turntables there, attach a spinning stripper pole in the middle of it and throw a happening club night. If I had a 16 year old kid he would love that room. For now it will be a storage room.
Well.....what else can I say? Not much. Here are some pics. A fairly recent one of me at Red Stone Lake Mead.



Photographer Randy Shutterbug Studio.

Me, my Mom, my cousin and the family dog Cilla one Christmas is Sweden a long time ago.
I am wearing a traditional Polish folk outfit.



And my Mom with me when I had newly arrived.




A Sad Christmas Story

I am sitting here with Chhaya in an eccentric looking house somewhere in Idaho. There is lots of snow outside, countless of trees are surrounding us, laden heavy with snow. It's warm inside, I am writing in front of a pellet stove - it makes me feel cozy and warm. Darkness has fallen outside and I feel like darkness has fallen upon me too. I feel very alone, very scared and very sad. In fact my heart feels like it's breaking, sometimes I think that I am too sensitive for this life. It's too sharp for me. Why am I even here? What is the point? I want my Mom because right now I feel small and just want the comfort of my Mother, how it was when I was a child. But she is far away in another country, we talk fairly often. I don't tell her that I love her because I don't know how, I don't know why I can't tell her.....I guess I show her, hopefully she feels it and knows it. At least I have a Mother, my Dad passed away many years ago and I never really knew him but I cried when I found out. I cried because I mourned never knowing my Dad. What was he like? What made him smile? Did he ever think of me? Did he miss me?
I wonder if I would had been a different person today if I had known my Dad? I don't know, these are just thoughts right here and now. But my Mom is here, although not nearby. A close friend of mine lost both her parents a year apart, she is still destroyed over it. Life is scary and full of heavy sadness in between the joy and the day to day normalcy.
My life is falling apart it feels like. I remember around this time last year, I was hoping that THIS year 2015 I would find a place to call home, to gather all my things together in one spot and build a home......finally after so many years to find stability. Now I feel more unsure than ever.
Chhaya is sleeping next to me. The vet in Vegas told me after a few skin scrapings, lab tests and hundreds of dollars (of course) that she has MRSA. I could not believe it. What does this mean and how? Then the vet here in Idaho told me to not put her on the very strong medications the vet in Vegas had recommended, saying that it might do more harm than good, that it's not MRSA, to not worry. She gave me veterinarian strength Vetericyn to spray on the affected areas twice daily and also a supplement called The Missing Link Plus. I hope that this vet here is right and that Chhaya is OK. Although, she did get some lanolin squirted into both of her ears (she had a small wax buildup in ONE ear) and now she is almost deaf! It's awful, I feel so bad for her because this made her sad and I hope it goes away! My poor baby and friend. I love Chhaya SO much. I know you understand if you have or had that special animal companion in your life.
I think about life a lot, what could had been and where I went wrong when I did. How one day everything is seemingly carefree and happy and then the next full of sadness and despair. If I would not had left Sweden my life would had been so much different. Most likely (although one never knows) more secure with my family and close friends nearby. I would probably had an education with a degree from a University. I have found good friends here in the US, in fact I just got off the phone (not sure how I managed to have phone and internet connection out here in the forest this evening) with a dear friend. We talked for 1 1/2 hours. Thank You friend. But my life feels unsure and unstable, I have difficulties, got financial burdens that nobody advised me against that I have struggled with for so long now and I am tired of trying, tired of fighting. I want stability, I want rest and peace of mind. And direction and stability.
Every year at this time I remember my childhood, when I lived in a yellow house (a villa as we say in Sweden), we had a black lab named Cilla, she was always happy. When I would go ice skating with my friends after school.
I remember one Christmas vacation, I was 9 maybe, it was cold and there was lots of snow. Two children got lost in the forest across the highway from my house. They were found the next day - dead. I remember sitting by the window in the living room that night when they had called for adults to help search for the children, looking out towards that dark forest.....thinking about them. I was so sad when I heard the news. I will never forget them.
It was a sad Christmas story that year.
Life is so hard sometimes, so much sadness, so much heartbreak. Don't hurt the people you supposedly love.....there is enough hardship to deal with already.
I've been so sad lately, over a lot. Maybe I think too much or like I said, I'm too sensitive for this life. I have even thought about quitting the blog. I go back and forth on that.
Wondering what the meaning is for writing, for me to open up about my life, my dreams, my feelings and thoughts.....especially since I have at times received negativity because I write a public blog. But it has kept me company many many times when I have felt alone, knowing that somebody out there is reading this and maybe, just maybe I can make one person FEEL something, feel something good. That makes me feel good inside.
I just wanted to say this tonight, unburden my heart a bit. I know it's a bit confusing and kind of like a ramble but that is a reflection of my state of mind right now. I don't now if it helped, maybe I should had been quiet instead. I don't know anymore.


Backgammon

I finally played Backgammon today! I'm so happy! I haven't played since I lived in Sweden and I love playing Backgammon and Chess. A while ago I noticed two guys sitting at Sambalatte playing a lot, I wanted to play too so I asked if i could join in sometime. And today one of them was there when I got my coffee in the morning and he asked me if I wanted to play a game - of course! We played five games. The score? Peter 3, Tati 2. The last one was almost mine but then he got double 6 and that was the end of it. Peter is from Hungary. There might be another game tomorrow.



One more thing about Sambalatte. The other day I found a $100 bill laying on the ground by one of the tables there. I told the barista working at that time and she took the bill. I asked the people around that table if it belonged to them but they said no. I waited a bit to see if somebody would come in and ask for the money. No. Now I'm thinking nobody claimed that money and the two baristas working that afternoon just kept it. Which of course is wrong, since I found it. But I would never keep it if somebody came looking for it, so I thought I did the right thing. I did not even think about it, my first thought was to try and find the owner of the $100. The next day I went back and the barista I gave the money to didn't even mention anything at all about the money. I'm sure she would had not forgotten about it. Plus the day I found the money I paid for my coffee and muffin with a $50 bill. The total was $8.75 and the barista behind the register asked me if I wanted my change. Ummmmm, yes? Why would I tip you over $ 40? And I just handed your co worked a $100 bill that I found on the floor. Rude. I'm going back tomorrow and I will inquire about the money. All of my friends that I asked about this told me I should had kept the money. Looking back at it, yes I should had kept it instead of giving it to some girl I don't even know.



Ice Skating

One thing that I have learned on this journey called life and it's not a very enjoyable lesson.....is that the true friends that you have and the people you can trust in life are few. Sad. In the last couple of months I've had two people betray me that I put trust in and as late as yesterday another person very close to me turned out to be a coward and a liar. If you can't trust the people that are close to you, then who can you trust? But then again, I have lied too and withheld the truth to people for whatever reason, selfish reasons mostly.
I've even cheated on boyfriends. I can't write stuff like this and not owe up to my own faults, I don't want to be a hypocrite. So I was upset for a while last night but then I went out with my friend Mikey and had a FABULOUS time ice skating at the Cosmopolitan. For whatever reason, perhaps reasons that I can't see now, people come and go in our lives. It sucks when you get betrayed and people owe you money and stuff, so many people owe me money that it's laughable. I should start charging interest. I don't own a single person a dime, besides the bank for my house loan. If you want to learn a valuable lesson from me today that would be, DO NOT borrow money to friends or other people for that matter. Tell them to go to some sort of a loan center. Almost every time I have done so it's been a problem getting it back.. Even when I borrow something as simple as books, there has at times been a problem getting that back. Or you borrow an item in one condition and get it back broken. It's disgusting and makes me feel sick inside. Having said that, I think I know that I have some friends that really are TRUE friends and for them I am grateful and I love them.
One of those friends is Mikey. Me loves him. So last night we went ice skating and it was very windy and cold up on the roof top at the Cosmopolitan but it was so much fun to skate in Vegas high up overlooking the Sin City sky line.
We started with a spicy jalapeno drink. Yummy.















Windy!



And speaking of true friends.....both me and Mikey wished our friend Rose-Marie had been there with us last night, we miss her. But she lives in Sweden......



Pamela & Adele

Two new purchases today. The December issue of Playboy with Pamela Anderson on the cover, her 14th cover and Adele's latest album 25. I love Pammie (Pamela) and her pictures in this issue are REALLY good. It helps to have a great photographer like Ellen von Unwerth that really knows her craft, also the light is your friend when taking photos, bad light can make anyone look awful unless you are a kid but I think Pam takes great pics in general and I love her smile. I guess Playboy is going through some changes next year and won't have any more full nudity pics in the magazine, I'm assuming topless will be OK still? Having said that, they do have pictorials of Miss January and Miss February 2016 and those girls are nude and here is some critique from me. Although Miss January was born in 1991 according to her Playboy data sheet, she looks like about 15-16, I think she looks like a pedophile's dream.
She looks like one of those girls they use for teen porn movies. This does not look like Playboy at all to me, she looks like a shapeless little girl not like a woman. Miss February is an improvement but in some of her pics she is posing with a cigarette. Unless you do some edgy dark themed shoot then a cigarette is just trashy. Trying to look all sexy in Playboy with a cigarette in between your fingers - NO. Trashy. Smoking is gross either way.
Pammie blows both of these girls out of the water. Her pics are gorgeous.
So of course I have Adele's 21. Not 19, I did not care for the songs on that album. But 21 is, as we all know, great and I am looking forward to hearing her latest album. I read somewhere that tons of women will be singing along loudly and sobbing to Adele's latest album while driving. Yep, that will be me. I definitely sing in the car, loudly. And sometimes I cry when doing so.



Well Spent

I just got back home after two hours of pleasure, I had a massage. I've been going to Cathy for years now. The $100 I give her is money well spent and some chocolate for her too since Christmas is right around the corner.





I love getting my feet rubbed, acupressure style. Rubbed, NOT tickled. Now I'm home wishing I had some ice cream. But it's cold and very windy out, I think my ice cream craving will remain a craving only tonight. Yawn.....I'm tired.

Towards The Mountains

It's Saturday evening and the last day of the rodeo has arrived here in Vegas. There are many people wearing cowboy hats in town right now, doing their thing at the rodeo. Rodeos don't interest me, I think it's animal cruelty some of the stuff that I associate with rodeos. I went to one rodeo in Kenai and was bored after ten minutes.



It's going to be nice to work at a club where I can pick my own songs again. With a decent stage. For now it is what it is.
My dinner this evening consisted of, as it does several times a week, whatever the food bar at Whole Foods had to offer. I don't cook often, so Whole Foods feeds me. And Chhaya too.
She got beef from there today and yesterday.



We went to the park, as we do everyday. I have six parks around here that I rotate in between unless we venture out to Red Rock.



My house is that way, towards the mountains. Those mountains are gorgeous. If you ever visit Vegas, rent a car and go to Red Rock. Explore, go for a hike, look for the wild flowers and breathe in the desert air.