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Girl's Guide to the Pervs on the Playa

Here is an article that Sarah aka Wonderhussy wrote for last years BRC Weekly. It is SOOOO HILARIOUS that I just have to share it with you. Sarah is a young lady that has the gift of expressing herself in many fun ways, writing is only one of them......enjoy!

Whoever said Burning Man is about art, community, or any other lofty ideal needs to get their head out of their ass and take a look around them. Anyone with a vagina who has ever tried to navigate the playa will tell you that Burning Man is about three things ONLY: sex, drugs and sunburned ballsacs. Ladies, beware!!!
Here in BRC, a woman of childrearing age can’t take two steps without being humped ferociously by a man in a rabbit costume or a bi-curious sparkle pony in body paint and furry boots. Something about the desert air seems to rev the libido into high gear, so much so that even taking a morning walk to the potty is akin to running a gauntlet of boners. There are perverts everywhere! And this year, what with the bumper crop of fresh, innocent first-timers on playa, they are sure to be out in full force. Burgins, take heed and read this handy guide – knowledge is power!

The Pervs of the Playa can be broken down into five basic categories:
1. Beer-Swilling Frat-Types
First, you have your beer-swilling frat-types, whose sole purpose in being here is to score with the legendary loose hippie chicks of yore (remember, it’s supposed to be a counterculture festival, aka free love hotbed). These types might don a tutu and some krazy sunglasses to give the impression that they’re unconventional artsy types, but they’re really just horny mooks, and there are so many of them that at times you feel like a soon-to-be-roofied sorority girl at the world’s biggest tribal kegger.
Fortunately, these pervs are easy to spot – and avoid.
2. Swingers
Then there are the swingers. Burning Man is actually listed on the events calendars of several “Lifestyle” (blecchh) networking sites – apparently, it’s become a huge swing paradise, with several “play” (blerrrrg) parties taking place in various camps on the lake bed. A girl can’t walk from Dandelion to Edelweiss without an oversexed, middle-aged couple welcoming her with open arms and dusty, sunbaked genitals! Many such camps also offer refuge to the weary playa bunny under the guise of a “free massage” or “free misting…” but it’s all just a ruse to get chicks into the sack – or into one of the many orgies constantly taking place. Be advised!!
3. S&M Freaks
Next, you have a sizeable contingent of S&M freaks, who make their presence known by setting up spanking camps and open-air dungeons, and by
walking around in little more than nipple clamps and Prince Alberts. Such camps lure in passing lovelies with the promise of free drinks in exchange for spankings, brandings, or the application of Burning Man tattoos to your ivory ass cheeks. Apparently it’s very liberating for the S&M crowd to be able to carry on like this in the bright light of day, instead of lurking around their usual converted-basement dungeons; the sunshine makes them bold,
so take care!
4. Furries
The fourth group of perverts is the most unsettling: the Furries, deviants who get off on pretending to be animals and humping each other. Due to the prodigious amounts of Ecstasy consumed at Burning Man, most people are walking around with a heightened sense of touchy-feeliness, and want to rub up on any soft, fuzzy thing they come across. Enter the Furries! Virtually every third person on the playa is wearing a furry vest, furry boots, raccoon tail, or fuzzy hat with animal ears. Most of them are just bean-eating E-tards enjoying the feel of the fur, but a solid minority are legitimate Furries, out to mount one another and whinny, growl and nicker into each other’s ears. Creeeepy!
5. Gurus
The last group of pervs is actually the most insidious, because they appear so artsy and benign: many of the classic Burner artsy-fartsy hippie-dippie counterculture types are actually HUGE raging sex freaks! Often, they disguise themselves as “gurus” or “self- help experts” who are there to help you “open your chakras” with a special “yoni massage” (“yoni” being alterna-spiritual-clap-trap-speak for “vagina”). Many a naïve young playa bunny falls victim to these dirty old men, myself included – I once encountered a particularly smarmy “tantric massage therapist” who persuaded me to let him massage a pulled muscle in my groin… and you can guess where that led!
Then there’s perennial favorite “Mister Orgasm,” who takes appointments in his hexayurt to demonstrate some freaky new sex tool he devised for “playa goddesses.” Exploring your sexuality is all well and good… but when you’ve been riding a bike around in 95-degree weather all week with alkaline dust in every crevice and no running water, the last thing you want is some dirty old man jamming his healing hands up your twat. Ya know?!

Now, girls…with all that being said, if you can navigate the hordes of slavering pervs, it is possible to find plenty of amazing, beautiful things out on the playa. Especially if you’ve remembered to pack your shiny burqa, pink rhinestone chastity belt and trusty Be-Dazzled stun-gun. Only then will you be able to ride around the playa virtually unmolested, actually enjoying the “art” and “music” said to be lurking somewhere amidst all the gratuitous tits, phalluses, orgies and public sex displays.
Welcome home!!!

Me and Sarah. You can read her masterpiece blog here





Hot

It is HOT in Vegas. The first thing I did when I arrived here was to take off my sweaty clothes and got in the shower and washed the dust out of my stiff hair and lathered up with soap.
It felt so good. But I would had gladly stayed at Burning Man for another week, dusty and very happy. I miss it!



I will write more in depth about my experiences at Burning Man when I get back to AK, I am in Vegas now and have people to see and things to do. I am a busy girl......no time for any in depth writing right now.
I am zipping around town in this sexy beast.....a neon green Mustang. Fits me perfectly, I was told that I am Viagra at Burning Man. Yes, yes.....I knew that already....... ;-) Now I just have to figure out how to transform my dna into pill form and become a billionaire. Any pharmacist out there that can assist me? Then I can spend my days traveling, going to parties, dance
(I'm a DANCETRONAUT, my new fave word that I learned at Burning Man) and doing lots of good for others and animals. That is basically what I want to do with my life. And sleep, read, eat, get massages and facials.





Well.....I can tell you this much....I feel very happy. I'm in Vegas, I went to Whole Foods again today and to the mall for some shopping. Yeay!




Pay It Forward

I am sitting at Coffee Roasters, finishing up my latte and crying because I have just read some "Pay It Forward " stories online and that makes me cry, I have a very soft heart. I forgot my phone at home, I was going to upload some new pics from it on here but that has to wait to later.
Pay It Forward, isn't that one of the nicest concepts ever, I love that and I have to do more of it. I love making connections with strangers on a pure, selfless level.....the human connection. With nothing wanted or expected in return. Last night at work I whipped out my funds, the cat and dog spay and neuter fund and Tati's Tampon Fund, where all the proceeds will go to a local shelter for women and children and so many people donated. THAT makes me so happy I want to cry even more now but I don't want to scare the barista here at the coffee shop.
I've had some emotional days lately, some sad and difficult things have happened and I have cried a lot, like every day for more than a week but I'm ok. That is how life is sometimes.....unfortunately. I have always said that I am a realist and that life is hard and full of sadness with happiness and fun stuff mixed in to make it better and easier so we can cope with living. Because in the end.....you are left alone. Then you die. So sad!
A quick Burning Man update......my original plan fell through and it looks like I will be going to Burning Man alone. My first Burning Man and I am going by myself. I was not going to go first because it didn't feel fun to go on my own but some other Burners told me that The Playa wants me there and that I should just dive in. I think they are right. But I will fill you in on more details when I have made some more decisions regarding it.
Have to run now.....errands and Chhaya are awaiting!





SAD

I am SO SAD . I wanted to go to Burning Man this year!!!! I have been wanting to go for years but I didn't, I kick myself because I used to live in Vegas and Burning Man is held in Northern Nevada each year.
And the tickets for this year are SOLD OUT, all of them. AAAARRRRGH!!!! I have been looking at the Burning Man site and almost started crying today. I waited too long, WHY??? And I had a feeling in my gut about the tickets but I ignored it and prolonged getting my ticket.
What an idiot I am. The theme this year is FERTILITY. And I want to participate! It is 2012 and all.
If anyone reading this knows how I can get a ticket, let me know!


I guess EDC in June will be a small solace, since EDC is kind of a mini Burning Man but I want to go to the real deal!
But after reading the Los Angeles Times online today I wonder what the future will look like for my beloved rave community.
I want to go to Burning Man damn it!!!!!
www.burningman.com



Burning Man

Tatiana is surprised that she encounters many people that never heard of Burning Man, Tatiana is referring to Americans now.
Tatiana is planning on getting her tickets for Burning Man as soon as they get released next year. She has been wanting to go for years now but just didn't do anything about it, well enough of that. It's ON next year!!!
If you want to know more about this event you can google it.
OR check out this blog

wonderhussy

If you like reading about Tatiana's adventures, chances are you will like this blog too!
And Sarah, the girl that writes that blog, just returned from Burning Man, so there are plenty of fun pictures to see and lots to read about the event.

A girl at work, Kate, invited Tatiana to go to Ibiza with her next year. That is something Tatiana would like to do too.

Check out my new hair

You like? Tatiana feels like one of the girls from The Crazy Horse show. She is going to start speaking with a sexy French accent.......BONJOUR!
Beside the hair......Tatiana wants to go to Burning Man next year.
The theme is Rites Of Passage. Interesting!
http://www.burningman.com/art_of_burningman/bm11_theme.html
Oh la la!