Skip to content

A Sad Christmas Story

I am sitting here with Chhaya in an eccentric looking house somewhere in Idaho. There is lots of snow outside, countless of trees are surrounding us, laden heavy with snow. It's warm inside, I am writing in front of a pellet stove - it makes me feel cozy and warm. Darkness has fallen outside and I feel like darkness has fallen upon me too. I feel very alone, very scared and very sad. In fact my heart feels like it's breaking, sometimes I think that I am too sensitive for this life. It's too sharp for me. Why am I even here? What is the point? I want my Mom because right now I feel small and just want the comfort of my Mother, how it was when I was a child. But she is far away in another country, we talk fairly often. I don't tell her that I love her because I don't know how, I don't know why I can't tell her.....I guess I show her, hopefully she feels it and knows it. At least I have a Mother, my Dad passed away many years ago and I never really knew him but I cried when I found out. I cried because I mourned never knowing my Dad. What was he like? What made him smile? Did he ever think of me? Did he miss me?
I wonder if I would had been a different person today if I had known my Dad? I don't know, these are just thoughts right here and now. But my Mom is here, although not nearby. A close friend of mine lost both her parents a year apart, she is still destroyed over it. Life is scary and full of heavy sadness in between the joy and the day to day normalcy.
My life is falling apart it feels like. I remember around this time last year, I was hoping that THIS year 2015 I would find a place to call home, to gather all my things together in one spot and build a home......finally after so many years to find stability. Now I feel more unsure than ever.
Chhaya is sleeping next to me. The vet in Vegas told me after a few skin scrapings, lab tests and hundreds of dollars (of course) that she has MRSA. I could not believe it. What does this mean and how? Then the vet here in Idaho told me to not put her on the very strong medications the vet in Vegas had recommended, saying that it might do more harm than good, that it's not MRSA, to not worry. She gave me veterinarian strength Vetericyn to spray on the affected areas twice daily and also a supplement called The Missing Link Plus. I hope that this vet here is right and that Chhaya is OK. Although, she did get some lanolin squirted into both of her ears (she had a small wax buildup in ONE ear) and now she is almost deaf! It's awful, I feel so bad for her because this made her sad and I hope it goes away! My poor baby and friend. I love Chhaya SO much. I know you understand if you have or had that special animal companion in your life.
I think about life a lot, what could had been and where I went wrong when I did. How one day everything is seemingly carefree and happy and then the next full of sadness and despair. If I would not had left Sweden my life would had been so much different. Most likely (although one never knows) more secure with my family and close friends nearby. I would probably had an education with a degree from a University. I have found good friends here in the US, in fact I just got off the phone (not sure how I managed to have phone and internet connection out here in the forest this evening) with a dear friend. We talked for 1 1/2 hours. Thank You friend. But my life feels unsure and unstable, I have difficulties, got financial burdens that nobody advised me against that I have struggled with for so long now and I am tired of trying, tired of fighting. I want stability, I want rest and peace of mind. And direction and stability.
Every year at this time I remember my childhood, when I lived in a yellow house (a villa as we say in Sweden), we had a black lab named Cilla, she was always happy. When I would go ice skating with my friends after school.
I remember one Christmas vacation, I was 9 maybe, it was cold and there was lots of snow. Two children got lost in the forest across the highway from my house. They were found the next day - dead. I remember sitting by the window in the living room that night when they had called for adults to help search for the children, looking out towards that dark forest.....thinking about them. I was so sad when I heard the news. I will never forget them.
It was a sad Christmas story that year.
Life is so hard sometimes, so much sadness, so much heartbreak. Don't hurt the people you supposedly love.....there is enough hardship to deal with already.
I've been so sad lately, over a lot. Maybe I think too much or like I said, I'm too sensitive for this life. I have even thought about quitting the blog. I go back and forth on that.
Wondering what the meaning is for writing, for me to open up about my life, my dreams, my feelings and thoughts.....especially since I have at times received negativity because I write a public blog. But it has kept me company many many times when I have felt alone, knowing that somebody out there is reading this and maybe, just maybe I can make one person FEEL something, feel something good. That makes me feel good inside.
I just wanted to say this tonight, unburden my heart a bit. I know it's a bit confusing and kind of like a ramble but that is a reflection of my state of mind right now. I don't now if it helped, maybe I should had been quiet instead. I don't know anymore.


Trackbacks

No Trackbacks

Comments

Display comments as Linear | Threaded

Manda on :

En läsare i det tysta här. Åk hem, Tatiana. Till din mamma, familj o riktiga vänner. Jag känner igen mig i mycket av ditt liv. Samma familjeförhållanden (kände knappt min pappa heller o han dog för några år sen) o jobbade som dansare innan jag blev spytrött på skiten. Kände precis som du gör nu, "tänk om", "varför" mm och det kändes som allt var förstört. Alla andra i min ålder hade pluggat på universitetet, köpt lägenhet o verkade så stabila.

Men jag bestämde mig att ändra allt. Åkte hem till Sthlm, började plugga o är snart klar (fick barn så hamnade efter...) med min universitetsexamen. Är så stolt över allt jag stått ut med o vill inte byta min historia mot nån annan, även om jag hellre dör än låter mitt barn uppleva samma liv som jag levt.

Var stolt över den du är och vad du varit med om. Du har insikter o styrkor som ingen annan har! Du klarar vad du vill, Tatiana. Plus, där jag pluggar finns folk i alla åldrar, många som vill byta karriär efter x antal år i en annan bransch.

Sen behöver man ju inte ha en examen bara för att man ska känna sig som alla andra, är egentligen bara ett jäkla papper, men du förtjänar bättre än livet på klubb. Ett "vanligt" jobb. Trygghet är jäkligt underskattat. O Sverige är det tryggaste landet som finns i en orättvis o jobbig värld. Förstår att det inte bara är att flytta hem för dig, med husköp mm, men allt går att lösa.

Tack för att du skriver din blogg. Läser o känner igen mig. Har alltid känt mig som en Alien med mitt "past", men du är också en vettig kvinna som står för vad du tycker o har levt ett annorlunda liv.

Sorry för lång kommentar men önskar dig sinnesro och att 2016 blir Ditt år. Kram Manda

Tatiana on :

Ah tack, vad glad jag blev for det du skrev! Du har val kommenterat nan gang forut for lange sen? Eller?
Ja, ibland tanker jag pa att flytta tillbaka till Sverige med det ar ocksa osakert och skrammande, fast dar kan jag ju som sagt utbilda mig, aven har om jag kunde komma pa vad jag vill gora med mitt liv men det ar inte samma sak har. Sen finns det mycket praktiskt att tanka pa och jag har ju Chhaya och henne skulle jag aldrig lamna. Sa just nu ar jag har i USA.
Tack Manda, onskar dig det basta infor det kommande aret och KRAM tilbaka!

Manda on :

Kommenterade som Pippi för längesen :-) Från en Pippi till en annan.
Jag förstår din sits... Tror du är vid ett vägskäl i livet, det som väntar runt hörnet är okänt o det är läskigt. Men det kommer gå bra, är säker! Var du än är på jorden.

Alla människor tänker "tänk om", vilket liv de än lever. Jag försöker inbilla mig att allt har sin mening, det lättar ångesten lite ;-) Du har haft en minst sagt spännande livsresa som många kontorsnissar i hemlighet drömt om medan vi tjejer som jobbat utomlands bittert önskar vi hade levt 9-till-5-liv direkt efter studenten haha. Gräset är alltid grönare...

Ska sluta babbla, vill bara att du ska veta att din blogg hjälpt mig känna mig mindre ensam o du är ett ljus i en mörk o konstig värld. Allt blir bra, du är på rätt väg :-) Grattis btw! Kram!

Tatiana on :

:-)
Ah vad glad jag blir......tack for dom fina orden!
Vi kanske ska ta en fika nasta gang jag ar hemma, om du fortfarande bor i Stockholm.

Dee on :

Hang in there! I really think you need to get in touch with God and Jesus and live in the Light they will provide for you. They are with you all the time, but you are not seeing it.

You deserve and owe it to yourself to live in their Light, and not the darkness that has a grasp on you.

Get quiet and ASK them to guide you and help you find peace within yourself. It works, try it !

Dee

Tatiana on :

Thank You. I am actually a spiritual person and I believe in God. I'm not sure exactly what I believe in and I do not go to church or read the Bible. And I do pray, not for stuff or anything but for guidance and calm for me and I pray for my family, friends and the World in general.

Dr. M on :

Knowing your inquisitive mind I'm sure you looked up MRSA online with regard to dogs. Good advice and be careful, it can be picked up from an infected pet. One day at a time is a good tonic for the blahs, thankfulness for what you have usually gets the mood to change. Take care.

Tatiana on :

Oh yes, I looked it up. :-)
The vet in Vegas said I most likely won't get it unless my immune system is weak. MRSA is everywhere she said. A girl at The Bush company got it on her toe and was out for months, so yes it's serious. But then the vet in Idaho said not to worry.
If I do contract MRSA (or anything else for that matter) I am relying on all my physician blog readers to give me the best care possible!
;-)

Annette on :

I felt sad reading how sad you are.....I enjoyed your blog so much when I was going thru all that stuff this past summer! I don't know how but I believe our paths will cross one day. Whatever road you have taken has brought you this place and time and you have a good heart and you make your own little sphere of influence a better place. I loooove my little apartment but I miss MPLS a lot Wichita is ......a cowtown. I am going to send you some pics in your email. HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY TATIANA XOXO my bday is NYD ;-)

Tatiana on :

HUGS to you Annette. When I think about you out there reading it makes me happy and it makes me want to write something, so my Annette can read another entry.
You are a Capricorn too! I think for sure one day we will meet!
:-)

Add Comment

E-Mail addresses will not be displayed and will only be used for E-Mail notifications.
Enclosing asterisks marks text as bold (*word*), underscore are made via _word_.
Standard emoticons like :-) and ;-) are converted to images.
Form options

Submitted comments will be subject to moderation before being displayed.